# Any resources for what to do with an aging parent?



## PeoplesElbow

I am trying to figure out what to do with an aging parent that I can't watch 24/7 that happens to need some assistance, but is somewhat mobile.  

I have no idea what to do,  help.


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## Monello

Good luck.  I know it isn't easy.

Surely someone on here knows of some resources to help you.


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## catlingirl

PeoplesElbow said:


> I am trying to figure out what to do with an aging parent that I can't watch 24/7 that happens to need some assistance, but is somewhat mobile.
> 
> I have no idea what to do,  help.


You can try the Department of Aging through the county health department. And from what I’ve been told you can talk to your parent’s primary care doctor and they can recommend someone to help. It’s hard taking care of someone by yourself. Good luck and take care.


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## Bann

PeoplesElbow said:


> I am trying to figure out what to do with an aging parent that I can't watch 24/7 that happens to need some assistance, but is somewhat mobile.
> 
> I have no idea what to do,  help.
> 
> 
> PeoplesElbow said:
> 
> 
> 
> I am trying to figure out what to do with an aging parent that I can't watch 24/7 that happens to need some assistance, but is somewhat mobile.
> 
> I have no idea what to do,  help.
> 
> 
> 
> Which county? What type of assistance?  This is one agency located in Calvert that provides various types of in home assistance.  http://www.lovingcareseniors.net/nursing-referral-agency-our-services
> 
> Have you contacted the Office on Aging for your county? The number should be on the county website.
> 
> Good luck, because it's tough.  If your parent is driving, the level of availability drops, as medicare won't pay for many of those services.
> 
> Here's another link with many links of resources (Calvert County):  https://www.co.cal.md.us/Index.aspx?NID=391&PREVIEW=YES
Click to expand...


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## GWguy

We moved my dad into an Assisted Living facility.  It's not nursing care, it's just as it sounds.  They provide as much or as little care as they need.  Nursing staff in-house to keep tabs on them.  Meals provided, but they are totally free to go out on the town as they want.

He is, for the best part, healthy, but has a lot of trouble getting around, showering, that kind of thing.  My brothers and I could not be full time care takers, so this was a very good alternative.  He has a nice apartment, 2 bed, 2 bath, limited kitchen (no stove).  As their needs progress, they add services to cover it.  If his mind starts to go, they have a separate memory care unit, beyond that is care more like nursing.

It's funny, but at 93, my dad volunteers to work in the memory care unit once or twice a week, shows them pictures of things going on, his trips...  He has his own little video cart with a monitor and VCR/DVD.  He's a riot.

If they had one here, I would recommend the Primrose facility.  My dad is in Arkansas.  If you choose to try something like this, visit lots of places, ask lots of questions, keep your eyes open.  Some of the place looked nice, but provided little for the money.  Others were so bad I wouldn't put an enemy in there.  Not cheap, but I know he's getting the proper care.  And it's not like we just dumped him there, my brother, his daughters and all the family is less than 10 minutes away and bail him out of there often, dinners at the house, boating on the lake....









						Rogers, AR Assisted Living | Primrose Retirement Community
					

We provide senior living accommodations in Rogers, Arkansas. Learn more about the pleasant atmosphere at our facility.




					www.primroseretirement.com


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## vraiblonde

PeoplesElbow said:


> I am trying to figure out what to do with an aging parent that I can't watch 24/7 that happens to need some assistance, but is somewhat mobile.
> 
> I have no idea what to do,  help.



Margo is our sponsor but there are other services as well.






						Home Helpers – Quality, Locally-Owned In-Home Care for Seniors and Disabled
					

In-home care and home health care solutions from locally owned home health care agency Home Helpers – fully customizable and affordable home care solutions including companion care, medical alert systems, and elder care.




					www.homehelpershomecare.com
				




How much help does your parent need?


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## GWguy

That's what we did, but if he is capable of living at home himself, there are outfits that can provide at home care a few times a week, daily, or live-in.

Best wishes to you.  This is not easy.


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## PeoplesElbow

Thanks guys,  she isn't located in SOMD but I am considering relocating her here.  

She is quite hard headed though and right now she thinks she is going to be able to go back to living alone without help.


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## vraiblonde

PeoplesElbow said:


> She is quite hard headed though and right now she thinks she is going to be able to go back to living alone without help.



She may.  Depending on the severity she may be living a normal life before you know it.

Anyway, there are most likely home care givers in her area to help her out.


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## mitzi

GWguy said:


> It's funny, but at 93, my dad volunteers to work in the memory care unit once or twice a week, shows them pictures of things going on, his trips... He has his own little video cart with a monitor and VCR/DVD. He's a riot.



That's great!


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## littlelady

PeoplesElbow said:


> I am trying to figure out what to do with an aging parent that I can't watch 24/7 that happens to need some assistance, but is somewhat mobile.
> 
> I have no idea what to do,  help.



I wish you the best in trying to help your mom.  My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, and we brought her up from Louisiana to live with us in 2004 in St. Leonard.  My father passed 9 years earlier.  She wasn’t the same person, and was slamming doors, breaking glass, etc., and, eventually, we had to take her back to LA to a nursing home, so one of my bros could look in on her.  One of the most traumatic events of my life.  The one saving grace was that one of my mom’s nusrses called me in the middle of night from her personal cell to tell me my mom would not survive the night because of organ shutdown.  She put the fone to my mom’s ear so I could tell her how much I loved her, and all she did for me. She couldn’t respond. She died in 2007.  I miss her, and my father every single day.  I told you this story because  I understand what you are going through, and the decisions you have to make.  It isn’t easy, and heart wrenching.  I don’t have advice for local care, but wish you the best outcome.


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## Bann

GWguy said:


> We moved my dad into an Assisted Living facility.  It's not nursing care, it's just as it sounds.  They provide as much or as little care as they need.  Nursing staff in-house to keep tabs on them.  Meals provided, but they are totally free to go out on the town as they want.
> 
> He is, for the best part, healthy, but has a lot of trouble getting around, showering, that kind of thing.  My brothers and I could not be full time care takers, so this was a very good alternative.  He has a nice apartment, 2 bed, 2 bath, limited kitchen (no stove).  As their needs progress, they add services to cover it.  If his mind starts to go, they have a separate memory care unit, beyond that is care more like nursing.
> 
> It's funny, but at 93, my dad volunteers to work in the memory care unit once or twice a week, shows them pictures of things going on, his trips...  He has his own little video cart with a monitor and VCR/DVD.  He's a riot.
> 
> If they had one here, I would recommend the Primrose facility.  My dad is in Arkansas.  If you choose to try something like this, visit lots of places, ask lots of questions, keep your eyes open.  Some of the place looked nice, but provided little for the money.  Others were so bad I wouldn't put an enemy in there.  Not cheap, but I know he's getting the proper care.  And it's not like we just dumped him there, my brother, his daughters and all the family is less than 10 minutes away and bail him out of there often, dinners at the house, boating on the lake....
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Rogers, AR Assisted Living | Primrose Retirement Community
> 
> 
> We provide senior living accommodations in Rogers, Arkansas. Learn more about the pleasant atmosphere at our facility.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.primroseretirement.com



Asbury in Solomons here in Calvert is very similar.  Various levels of senior living, and, like you said, seniors can add more services as their need go up.  There are several older parents of friends I know who enjoy living there very much. 




			https://www.asbury.org/asbury-solomons/independent-living/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwov3nBRDFARIsANgsdoFHW41-Y1Crz5u4tpHQ3pJPicDeh3AKejDzuRlGMqx2yRCMnTJ9PCUaAsdLEALw_wcB


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## RoseRed

PeoplesElbow said:


> I am trying to figure out what to do with an aging parent that I can't watch 24/7 that happens to need some assistance, but is somewhat mobile.
> 
> I have no idea what to do,  help.


I saw that you said she is not here in SOMD.  Will you be trying to keep her in her home or in a facility?  If local, I know of a Godsend who cared for my stepfather and my neighbors mother before their passing.  My Grandmother was in an awesome home, but that was in Montana.  Sadly, she passed just last week at 97.


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## Bann

PeoplesElbow said:


> Thanks guys,  she isn't located in SOMD but I am considering relocating her here.
> 
> She is quite hard headed though and right now she thinks she is going to be able to go back to living alone without help.



I am going to comment on your post, and in no way do I mean this to be nasty or ugly.   I've gone through similar issues with my mother, who passed in 2012.  A very close friend of mine is going through it now, and I've known at least 3 other close friends who have dealt with elderly parents and their various levels of needs.  Some of these decisions and changes that might need to be made will be difficult and challenging for your relative. (and for you)

I have been aggravated, frustrated and overwhelmed being the caretaker of my parent.  When you love them, you want to do everything in your power to help and even that which is not in your power, at times.  The role reversal I found myself in was a weird stage of my life to say the least. Sometimes, I had little cooperation from my sibling, which made what I was going through even harder.  

Something I didn't realize back then, (probably because I was also a single parent with 2 teenagers, 1 of whom is/was special needs):  is that the human will to live and even just survive is very strong!  It's built in.   What might be considered "hard-headed" (and no doubt, they might well be!) is essentially a strong desire to be independent, remain autonomous, and maybe just survive.   Isn't that an awesome thing, though?!  She wants to keep her independence as long as possible.  It's a tough place to be.  

Advocacy can be a tough job at times!  Good luck - always feel free to PM me if you need some moral support.


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## Bann

vraiblonde said:


> She may.  Depending on the severity she may be living a normal life before you know it.
> 
> Anyway, there are most likely home care givers in her area to help her out.


 
Visiting Angels is a nationwide organization.  Also l, Google "A Place For Mom".  I think that is a resource type of websitefor senior services.  Good luck!!


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## PeoplesElbow

I'll check those out while she is in therapy.  Any ideas for a temporary solution.  I have started adding grab bars etc in her house, but Im really not sure if I am wasting my time or not yet so I  don't want to go too far.  She owns a very nice house outright that is plum full of very nice furniture and a bunch of junk that I would have to take care of.  The good thing is she has a nice income with SS and a pension, and an untouched IRA as well as a good bit of cash.  I also have a good bit of cash I could use for whatever she needs.

I would bring her to my house, but I do have a job and my bathrooms are very small and not designed well for anything that would help there.


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## vraiblonde

PeoplesElbow said:


> I'll check those out while she is in therapy.  Any ideas for a temporary solution.  I have started adding grab bars etc in her house, but Im really not sure if I am wasting my time or not yet so I  don't want to go too far.  She owns a very nice house outright that is plum full of very nice furniture and a bunch of junk that I would have to take care of.  The good thing is she has a nice income with SS and a pension, and an untouched IRA as well as a good bit of cash.  I also have a good bit of cash I could use for whatever she needs.
> 
> I would bring her to my house, but I do have a job and my bathrooms are very small and not designed well for anything that would help there.



I'd be worried about her living alone in a compromised condition not only because she might blank out or something, but because the local talent might decide to come help themselves to her stuff.  If she's doing okay financially, maybe it's time for The Villages (or some other senior living  community).  Get visions of nursing homes out of your head - these places are SWEET, plus they have people who can come help her out medically or even just fix her toilets and change a lightbulb.  I toured one in Waldorf a few years ago and that place was super nice.

But for now give the home helper people in her area a call.  I know Margo custom designs a visiting schedule based on needs, so I'm sure other services do as well.


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## GWguy

Vrai's assessment is mine too.  For immediate needs, seek out a home service company with consideration of live-in.  This will be a good stop-gap until you can better decide on the future, and whether or not she can remain at home.  That will give you time to think and make plans.


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## Ken King

Check this out - https://www.caring.com/senior-care/in-home-care/west-virginia/clarksburg

edit:  What does your Mom want?  I think that would be a big consideration in any decision I would make.


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## PeoplesElbow

Ken King said:


> Check this out - https://www.caring.com/senior-care/in-home-care/west-virginia/clarksburg
> 
> edit:  What does your Mom want?  I think that would be a big consideration in any decision I would make.


The only thing she wants is to be back in her house on her own again.  The rehab center tells me this will never be able to happen, of course she disagrees.


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## lucky_bee

PeoplesElbow said:


> The only thing she wants is to be back in her house on her own again.  The rehab center tells me this will never be able to happen, of course she disagrees.


PE I totally sympathize. My mother runs a home healthcare facility - she employs and directs the nurses who visit patients in their own homes. About 85% of their patients are elderly folk like your mother. Their care can range anywhere from a couple visits a day, to once a week, once a month, etc. It's very customizable and they typically work directly with a caregiver if needed - someone usually hired help to keep the patient company and help with daily tasks like making meals and showering and driving to and from dr. apts - this is also customizable. They can't administer medications or change post-op dressings so that's when my mom's nurses step in.

And because my mom does what she does, she's also been a couple family members' advocate/healthcare proxy. She's been in your place a few times for family too, most recently for a very close aunt. She was incedibly stubborn with dementia and lived in the middle of nowhere. Even though my mom was proxy, she felt pressured by her own mother and her other aunts to let this aunt live out her days at home, however she would have benefited greatly from going to an assisted living facility. As much as the sisters didn't want to move her, they also didn't want to help with the work and my mom ended up being her nurse, on top of her full time job running these types of nurses, and really wore herself out trying to help our aunt. It was frustrating to listen how even though this was her JOB and she was an expert on elderly care, noone would listen when she insisted it was time to move my aunt to a home. And of course whenever my aunt was lucid enough, moving would never have been an option to her.

It's frustrating. However I suggest starting with nurses and caregivers that can come visit your mother at home - and make sure you keep strong lines of communication with them.

edit to add: these kinds of places work directly with insurance. This is not ALL out of pocket.


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## PeoplesElbow

Thank you everyone. 

Does anyone know of any other places like Aberly Crest?  

My moms case worker is telling me that she is going to need one or two visits a day from a nurse so she doesn't mess up her meds, and some possible assistance with some daily tasks.


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## Bann

PeoplesElbow said:


> Thank you everyone.
> 
> Does anyone know of any other places like Aberly Crest?
> 
> My moms case worker is telling me that she is going to need one or two visits a day from a nurse so she doesn't mess up her meds, and some possible assistance with some daily tasks.



PE - is that the Abberly Crest in St. Mary's?

Will your mom be able to live on her own in a place like that?  As an aside, is she still driving?  My friend has found that while her mom has increasingly declining health issues (she has end stage liver disease) she is still mobile/driving.  The doctors/case workers have told her that Medicare  and many insurances will not pay as long as the patient is driving.  (She would have to pay out of pocket, and of course, those costs would add up really fast).

Have you looked into Cedar Lane Apts in Leonardtown?


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## PeoplesElbow

Bann said:


> PE - is that the Abberly Crest in St. Mary's?
> 
> Will your mom be able to live on her own in a place like that?  As an aside, is she still driving?  My friend has found that while her mom has increasingly declining health issues (she has end stage liver disease) she is still mobile/driving.  The doctors/case workers have told her that Medicare  and many insurances will not pay as long as the patient is driving.  (She would have to pay out of pocket, and of course, those costs would add up really fast).
> 
> Have you looked into Cedar Lane Apts in Leonardtown?


She never drove,  did not know about Cedar Lane I will check them out.  I thought Abberly Crest was in Solomons?


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## Bann

Senior Living Facilities - (I didn't know that many existed over there)









						Victory Woods - Senior Apartments - Lexington Park, MD
					

Victory Woods offers elegant, affordable one and two bedroom apartments for seniors ages 62+, conveniently located in Lexington Park, Maryland.




					habitatamerica.com
				











						Southern Maryland, MD Senior Living | Taylor Farm
					

Located in Southern Maryland, Taylor Farm, a 20 arce senior assisted living village and farm, is home sweet home to many seniors...  Compassionate and Loving care 24/7 365 days a year... Learn more...




					taylorfarmassistedliving.com
				











						Discovery Commons At Wildewood
					

Discovery Commons At Wildewood is a retirement community situated in St Mary's County, MD, offering assisted living, memory care and respite care.




					www.discoverycommons.com
				




I also found this page for St. Mary's County - there are tons of resources on it!





__





						Home and Community Based Services Division - Contact Information - St. Mary's County, MD
					





					www.stmarysmd.com


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## Bann

PeoplesElbow said:


> She never drove,  did not know about Cedar Lane I will check them out.  I thought Abberly Crest was in Solomons?


That's Asbury Solomons (so many names and places!)


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## SandieGarry

I am biased but give a call to Options For Seniors in LaPlata. They service the tri-county area as well as most of the state. Either of the ladies there can give advice on what questions to ask, where to go for help. The number is 301-392-1387. If you talk to enough people in So Md, one name will keep appearing in conversation. Some will be surprised where she is now. She has been told that she is an encyclopedia of knowledge when it comes to caring for a loved one.


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## PeoplesElbow

Anyone know what the deal with the "buy in" at Asbury is?  Is that a normal thing?

I dont understand why you have to first give them ~$150k for the privilege of then paying a monthly fee.


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## GWguy

PeoplesElbow said:


> Anyone know what the deal with the "buy in" at Asbury is?  Is that a normal thing?
> 
> I dont understand why you have to first give them ~$150k for the privilege of then paying a monthly fee.


Ah.  Glad you mentioned that.  When we were looking for a place for my folks, there were a number of places that did this.  You pay them some incredible fee, we saw as much as $350,000, just to be there, THEN pay a monthly fee to remain.  We didn't see that it really gave you any added benefits or services.  In a lot of cases, the pay-up-front fee was non-refundable.  If you have tons of money you don't want, and want the notoriety of living in one of these places, go for it.  If you're normal, consider other options.


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## Bann

PeoplesElbow said:


> Anyone know what the deal with the "buy in" at Asbury is?  Is that a normal thing?
> 
> I dont understand why you have to first give them ~$150k for the privilege of then paying a monthly fee.


Did you talk to anyone in person? I have a friend who's mom lives there and she loves it!   It's a waterfront community.  She lives in one of the condo apartments. She can cook in her apartment, or she can go down to a beautiful dining room.  There are activities, trips, and all sorts of things she does with people she's met/neighbors.  She drives, so she is always on the go.  She's 82.   She doesn't have to do yard work, or maintenance, take her trash out, or any of those dumb things!  They even painted the condo to suit her tastes before she moved in.  So, maintenance is covered, and they have all kinds of amenities!   That buy-in ensures that the other services they offer, like the assisted living suites,  rehabilitation & skilled nursing health center are there for you later in your life if you need it. 

I don't know what the monthly fee is, but when you buy a condo,  you still have insurances to pay, maintenance to cover, HOA or other Owner fees to pay.  This comes with a peace of mind that you can receive those other "continual life services",  Heck, I'd love to live there.


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## GWguy

Bann said:


> They even painted the condo to suit her tastes before she moved in. So, maintenance is covered, and they have all kinds of amenities! That buy-in ensures that the other services they offer, like the assisted living suites, rehabilitation & skilled nursing health center are there for you later in your life if you need it.


The assisted living place we put my dad in has all of this, did all of this, and there was no up front fee.


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## littlelady

PeoplesElbow said:


> Anyone know what the deal with the "buy in" at Asbury is?  Is that a normal thing?
> 
> I dont understand why you have to first give them ~$150k for the privilege of then paying a monthly fee.





GWguy said:


> Ah.  Glad you mentioned that.  When we were looking for a place for my folks, there were a number of places that did this.  You pay them some incredible fee, we saw as much as $350,000, just to be there, THEN pay a monthly fee to remain.  We didn't see that it really gave you any added benefits or services.  In a lot of cases, the pay-up-front fee was non-refundable.  If you have tons of money you don't want, and want the notoriety of living in one of these places, go for it.  If you're normal, consider other options.



Wowzers.  Sad.  Trying to take care of parents the best you can, should not be a price gouging biz.  Disgusting.


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## Bann

GWguy said:


> The assisted living place we put my dad in has all of this, did all of this, and there was no up front fee.



I'm not surprised - it's not in Maryland!     Asbury is also a "waterfront" community, so that probably adds to the price, and may not be in everyone's price range.    I get that there are many options and alternatives to every suggestion, but we're just giving PE a heads up on what's available here in our area.  

I will say that my friend's 82 year old MIL is not in the assisted living section of Asbury. She is living fully on her own, in a apartment and is her own caregiver. She still drives her own car and has no need for their transportation system.  There is no need for assisted living right now. However, the assisted living benefit is there for the future, and that is great peace of mind for her and everyone involved.   That's what you're paying for when you choose a continuing care retirement community, like Asbury.


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## Bann

littlelady said:


> Wowzers.  Sad.  Trying to take care of parents the best you can, should not be a price gouging biz.  Disgusting.



It is a business.  No one is price gouging.  It's an option for people who can afford it.  

There may not be many options in the Tri-County area, but those options have increased.  I felt I had few options 7-1/2 years ago when my mother came to live with me for the short time before she passed.  There are so many more services and companies that provide those services than there were back then.  IF my mother had the income available to her - I'd have recommended Asbury (or similar community) in a minute!  She would have loved it there.   There is a long waiting list to get in there, so they must be a popular place!


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## ginwoman

Monello said:


> Good luck.  I know it isn't easy.
> 
> Surely someone on here knows of some resources to help you.


I know of a couple of  honest trustworthy and loving ladies who have been helping with my mother who will soon no longer be with us    Depending on where you are they may be able to do some fill in times for you.


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## RoseRed

Bann said:


> It is a business.  No one is price gouging.  It's an option for people who can afford it.
> 
> There may not be many options in the Tri-County area, but those options have increased.  I felt I had few options 7-1/2 years ago when my mother came to live with me for the short time before she passed.  There are so many more services and companies that provide those services than there were back then.  IF my mother had the income available to her - I'd have recommended Asbury (or similar community) in a minute!  She would have loved it there.   There is a long waiting list to get in there, so they must be a popular place!



My mother is far from needing assisted living, but has been considering moving across the road to Asbury.  Before she can do that, she needs to come home from another one of her cross-country road trips!


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## PeoplesElbow

Apparently Asbury doesn't want anything to do with anyone who has had problems that requires assisted living first and the buy in fee is sort of a long term care insurance.   The lady I talked to couldn't seem to get off the phone with me fast enough.  

It is a place you go to before you have problems,  nice to know for myself I suppose.


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## Bann

RoseRed said:


> My mother is far from needing assisted living, but has been considering moving across the road to Asbury.  Before she can do that, she needs to come home from another one of her cross-country road trips!


That's awesome!


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## RoseRed

Bann said:


> That's awesome!


That woman gets around!


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## Bann

PeoplesElbow said:


> Apparently Asbury doesn't want anything to do with anyone who has had problems that requires assisted living first and the buy in fee is sort of a long term care insurance.   The lady I talked to couldn't seem to get off the phone with me fast enough.
> 
> It is a place you go to before you have problems,  nice to know for myself I suppose.


Well, it's good to know ahead of time, like you said.    When I hear of other places, services, etc. I will gladly keep passing on the information.  Your mom is lucky to have you!


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## littlelady

Bann said:


> It is a business.  No one is price gouging.  It's an option for people who can afford it.
> 
> There may not be many options in the Tri-County area, but those options have increased.  I felt I had few options 7-1/2 years ago when my mother came to live with me for the short time before she passed.  There are so many more services and companies that provide those services than there were back then.  IF my mother had the income available to her - I'd have recommended Asbury (or similar community) in a minute!  She would have loved it there.   There is a long waiting list to get in there, so they must be a popular place!



Interesting.


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## PeoplesElbow

I transfered my mom from the rehab hospital to a nursing and rehab center today. This is temporary because medicare and her insurance will cover 100 days 100%. To say she is unhappy would be quite the understatement.

I feel like im going to puke.


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## GWguy

I wish you and her the best.  This is a huge change in both your lives.


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## David

PeoplesElbow said:


> She is quite hard headed though and right now she thinks she is going to be able to go back to living alone without help.


That's a pretty normal attitude. People want to stay in their own homes where they feel safe and comfortable, and certainly not end up in an institution, even if it is just assisted care.


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## David

PeoplesElbow said:


> I feel like im going to puke.


I know how you feel. My sister promised my mother that she would never send her to a home (she was an RN at a nursing home most of her career, so she knew what went on), so she took her in until the end. Even though both her and her husband worked, they were able to make it work. There was an employee of his who had come on hard times, so they let them live in the basement apartment in exchange for the wife being a full time care giver (plus some salary). The money from renting out her house and SS provided for the other expenses such as the required in-house medical expenses.

Mom had dementia for the last 4 years of her life while with my sister, pretty much non-responsive for the last year. So. it was hard on my sister to see it every day. But, I'm sure it was much appreciated by my mother.


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## GWguy

Saw an ad on PBS for an outfit called Brightwood near Timonium.  Looked nice for the quick ad, so I did a quick search and it led me to this:


			https://www.seniorliving.org/?geodir_search=1&stype=gd_place&s=+&snear=20653&sgeo_lat=38.2684355&sgeo_lon=-76.4650746
		

It's a listing of about 88 different places around the tri-county area.  You can narrow the search by zip code.


----------



## Bann

PeoplesElbow said:


> I transfered my mom from the rehab hospital to a nursing and rehab center today. This is temporary because medicare and her insurance will cover 100 days 100%. To say she is unhappy would be quite the understatement.
> 
> I feel like im going to puke.




I completely understand.  Please reach out anytime if you need a shoulder to vent on.


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## PeoplesElbow

Anyone have problems with a parent that completely throws your plans for them sideways,  ie "Im not staying here any more, Im moving back into my house"

I've tried asking, explaining, reasoning, and finally yelling after losing my temper.


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## GWguy

It's tough.  Been close to that a few times, but not quite.  Dad obviously wants out, would much prefer to be in a house on his own terms, playing with projects, etc....  But it's just not a reality, can't even shower on his own.  The tough one is that he insists he could go take the driver's test and pass.  Hasn't had his license for 4 years, but it still sticks in his craw that it was 'taken away'.

Sorry you're having tough times with your mom.  Does the place she's at have counseling services?  No doubt she'd refuse to go, but check into it.


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## Lump

PeoplesElbow said:


> Anyone have problems with a parent that completely throws your plans for them sideways,  ie "Im not staying here any more, Im moving back into my house"
> 
> I've tried asking, explaining, reasoning, and finally yelling after losing my temper.


I've gone through this with my mother and my uncle.  Both have passed.  My uncle would change his mind every day.  First he wanted to stay home with home care workers.  I spent all day getting the set up and then they moved his sofa pillows.  Next day he wanted to go to a Nursing Home.  Spent the next day getting him scheduled to move.  Spent one night there and called, needed to go to a different Nursing Home and then of course wanted to go back to home care.  We finally told him that we couldn't keep doing this.  It was chaos!  He lived his last week in the nursing home of his choice surrounded by his friends that lived close by.

I know this doesn't give you any advise as to what to do, just know that others have been there, know what you are going through and are sending you thoughts and prayers!!!


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## Grumpy




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## PeoplesElbow

GWguy said:


> Does the place she's at have counseling services?  No doubt she'd refuse to go, but check into it.


They do, and I know she won't.  She complains she has nothing to do but will not participate in any of the activities, or even go eat in the dining room with "those people".

I don't think I have ever been so mad and so sad at the same time.


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## Lump

PeoplesElbow said:


> They do, and I know she won't.  She complains she has nothing to do but will not participate in any of the activities, or even go eat in the dining room with "those people".
> 
> I don't think I have ever been so mad and so sad at the same time.


Does she seem depressed to you?  You might be able to have her doctor prescribe some antidepressant pills and see if it helps with her attitude.  It helped my Grandmother to be a little bit easier to handle.


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## PeoplesElbow

Lump said:


> Does she seem depressed to you?  You might be able to have her doctor prescribe some antidepressant pills and see if it helps with her attitude.  It helped my Grandmother to be a little bit easier to handle.


Most likely she is, she keeps saying she is in hell....


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## Lump

PeoplesElbow said:


> Most likely she is, she keeps saying she is in hell....


I'm so sorry you are and she are going through this. It is very hard.


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## Bann

It's a very hard place to be, that's for sure.  You are not alone - it has happened to many of use.

My mom was in nursing home in FL and they were talking of her possibly needing a long term care facility.  My sister had passed that same year and there was no one to help take care of my mom. Brother worked down in the Keys for a gov't contractor.  I figured a way to move her up here, and my BFF and I moved mountains to drive my mother and some of her things back up here and she transferred into a nursing home here in Calvert.  I had NO idea she would get better - but I kid you not- she was "meeting all her goals" within 1 month and the nursing home released her! The day before Thanksgiving.    I had NO options and about 1 week notice - so she had to come home with me. It was very difficult on my 2 sons and myself. I worked fulltime, had 1 teenage son, and 1 son who is developmentally disabled and still acts like a teenager and then mom was acting like one, as well. She was going to move to St. Mary's County to be close to the base and military health care. (Dad was retired)  Never mind that I couldn't go back & forth from Prince Frederick to (wherever in ) St. Mary's County every time when she needed something or someone to take her someplace - which was nearly daily!   

The nursing home "admins", her care workers, her social worker, whatever all their titles were - were OF NO HELP TO ME.   The mindset was "she's an adult and entitled to make her own decisions".  They didn't help sway her to stay in Calvert, they were not useful in leading me towards resources to help me.  I was nearly on my own in every aspect.  It was so frustrating.  My only sibling was not always on the same page with me (my mom played him against me) and that made things even more difficult at times.   Mom was even convinced she was going to get her MD Drivers License, again, too. Thank GOD her doctor told her he would not approve it!  

I guess all of these little stories are to say that your mom IS an adult and she can make her own decisions. She wants to remain independent.   Of course.   The problem is you are her son and the roles are reversed, so it's not fun for either of you.   The other major problem is - she also NEEDS you to assist her.  She probably doesn't want to, but she does.  I had to learn to pose things to my mom like this:  "well, mom - if you are going to move to St. Mary's then you are going to have to figure out who is going to be helping you out over there.  I have my job and the kids and I can't just drop things to run you over to the grocery store, or Walmart, etc. etc."    I just had to keep saying and doing those kinds of things to get her to slow down on the plans to move. Her health continued to decline and she was in Hospice in a few months, as she had been diagnosed with an advanced form of cancer, which we didn't know about.  

I understand what you're going through.   If YOU have some support - a spouse, a group of friends, even a counselor for yourself.  It will help.    Good luck to you


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## PeoplesElbow

Well here we go again,  mom has been with me for over two years now but has gotten worse.  She has poor short term memory and today asked me where we were.  

She is about to the point that I can't take care of her but doesn't want to hear what I have to say when I tell her that.


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## RoseRed

PeoplesElbow said:


> Well here we go again,  mom has been with me for over two years now but has gotten worse.  She has poor short term memory and today asked me where we were.
> 
> She is about to the point that I can't take care of her but doesn't want to hear what I have to say when I tell her that.


I wish I had some advice for you.  Good luck.


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## Grumpy

PeoplesElbow said:


> Well here we go again,  mom has been with me for over two years now but has gotten worse.  She has poor short term memory and today asked me where we were.
> 
> She is about to the point that I can't take care of her but doesn't want to hear what I have to say when I tell her that.


Have to agree with RoseRed, I had to deal with my mother and mother in law suffering from alzheimers/dementia, tho not at the same level as you. It's really heartbreaking having to deal with decisions like you are facing.


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## RoseRed

Perhaps you can get some in home care until you can make a decision.


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## PJay

PeoplesElbow said:


> Well here we go again,  mom has been with me for over two years now but has gotten worse.  She has poor short term memory and today asked me where we were.
> 
> She is about to the point that I can't take care of her but doesn't want to hear what I have to say when I tell her that.



Maybe, maybe not. Just remember seeing commerical.









						Contact Us | Visiting Angels
					

Contact Visiting Angels now for more information on how we can provide home care services for your loved one.




					www.visitingangels.com


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## vraiblonde

PeoplesElbow said:


> She is about to the point that I can't take care of her but doesn't want to hear what I have to say when I tell her that.



Well, she IS the mom and you're the kid.  This role-reversal most likely pisses her off as much as the dementia.  I know it would me.  I'd rather be dead than have one of my kids as my caretaker.

So try to see things from her perspective, and check out in-home care.  Good luck!


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## PeoplesElbow

RoseRed said:


> Perhaps you can get some in home care until you can make a decision.


Thank you for your kind words. I'll be doing this first. 

I don't think she had long, but when I brought her here two years ago I didn't think she would be around for more than a few months. She has a really nice nest egg but it isn't unlimited.


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## PeoplesElbow

I'm going to call Taylor farm tomorrow for a tour also.


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## PeoplesElbow

The thing I worry about in home care is she won't recognize a care giver and freak out over someone she don't know.


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## Sneakers

We (my brothers and I) saw this coming, knew there was no way we could take care of the parents at home.  So while they were still able to think clearly, we made arrangements for an Assisted Living facility.  Mom is gone, but dad is still there.  It's not ideal, he bitches about being alone a lot, but he's being well taken care of.

I know this doesn't help you a lot.  I think Rose is right... seek at-home care, maybe even live-in.  Moving her now to another home might be a mistake.


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## Grumpy

Be careful going through the 'home care' people. We did that with wife's mother and it was horrible. They were basically observers, did as little as possible, and were very expensive. We ended up hiring someone that actually cared and paid them under the table at about a third of the rate that these 'home care' companies charge.


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## RoseRed

PeoplesElbow said:


> Thank you for your kind words. I'll be doing this first.
> 
> I don't think she had long, but when I brought her here two years ago I didn't think she would be around for more than a few months. She has a really nice nest egg but it isn't unlimited.


You're welcome.  

Perhaps @SandieGarry can shed some light.


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## RoseRed

Grumpy said:


> Be careful going through the 'home care' people. We did that with wife's mother and it was horrible. They were basically observers, did as little as possible, and were very expensive. We ended up hiring someone that actually cared and paid them under the table at about a third of the rate that these 'home care' companies charge.


You had V for a short time, right?  She's an angel.


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## Sneakers

Grumpy said:


> Be careful going through the 'home care' people. We did that with wife's mother and it was horrible. They were basically observers, did as little as possible, and were very expensive. We ended up hiring someone that actually cared and paid them under the table at about a third of the rate that these 'home care' companies charge.


Agree.  We hired BrightStar to provide nothing but transport service for my mom a couple times a week for dialysis.  They frequently missed appointments, and had one girl steal mom's checkbook and write checks.  Found and prosecuted her, but the stress wasn't needed at all.


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## PeoplesElbow

vraiblonde said:


> Well, she IS the mom and you're the kid.  This role-reversal most likely pisses her off as much as the dementia.  I know it would me.  I'd rather be dead than have one of my kids as my caretaker.
> 
> So try to see things from her perspective, and check out in-home care.  Good luck!


Plan ahead, my mom was active and living a good life independently until suddenly she wasn't.


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## Grumpy

Sneakers said:


> ...and had one girl steal mom's checkbook and write checks.  Found and prosecuted her, but the stress wasn't needed at all.



Should have mentioned that, happens with home care and in hospital. Wife's grandmother's gold necklace and wedding ring mysteriously disappeared in Calvert Hospital during one of her stays. Freaking hospital and police acted like they couldn't care less.


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## UglyBear

I’m not there yet with my folks, but Mrs and I are starting to have those conversations and making plans.  

Financially, what’s the breakdown, in your experience, between a *decent* visiting in-home care and a live-in facility?  
Of course that assumes that one has space to house an elderly parent.


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## Grumpy

UglyBear said:


> I’m not there yet with my folks, but Mrs and I are starting to have those conversations and making plans.
> 
> Financially, what’s the breakdown, in your experience, between a *decent* visiting in-home care and a live-in facility?
> Of course that assumes that one has space to house an elderly parent.


If I remember correctly, my mother spent her last couple years in a live-in facility around 2000 and it was $4200 (edited this was out of pocket, medicaid picked up the rest which I don't know) a month. Visiting home care, I think was about 200 a day for 8 hours in 2016


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## PeoplesElbow

UglyBear said:


> I’m not there yet with my folks, but Mrs and I are starting to have those conversations and making plans.
> 
> Financially, what’s the breakdown, in your experience, between a *decent* visiting in-home care and a live-in facility?
> Of course that assumes that one has space to house an elderly parent.


An actual nursing home is $15-$20k a month most are paid for by Medicaid after the resident has exhausted all of their funds.  Use to be you would put grandma in a home she would give the family all her belongings and then Medicaid would pay,  but now they go back 5 years into your financial history to make sure its not being scammed. 

Assisted living actually gives better care IMHO and ranges from $4500-$7500/ month and Medicaid does not pay for assisted living. 

Home care in WV is about $25/hr Im sure here its MUCH higher because nursing homes and assisted living are.

And people think college is expensive.


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## vraiblonde

PeoplesElbow said:


> Plan ahead, my mom was active and living a good life independently until suddenly she wasn't.
> 
> View attachment 161917



I gave this post the   smilie not because of the suddenness of her incapacity, but because she looks so cute and happy in that pic.


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## Sneakers

Dad is paying $5K per month for a 2 bedroom/2 bath apartment with 24 hour on-call staff in Assisted Living.  He's at the bottom (lowest cost) rung because he is still very independent, only needs help to shower and dress.  As his needs increase, so will his costs.  If he eventually requires it, he can be transferred to either a memory care unit or a nursing unit.  But if their needs are too much, this place will ask you to find other arrangements.  Each step up is an increase in costs.


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## Sneakers

PeoplesElbow said:


> Assisted living actually gives better care IMHO and ranges from $4500-$7500/ month and Medicaid does not pay for assisted living.


Correct, they do not, but there are some alternatives.




__





						Frequently Asked Questions | Primrose Retirement Communities
					

Explore our most frequently asked questions about our retirement communities. Learn more about our independent, assisted living, and memory care programs.




					primroseretirement.com


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## PeoplesElbow

vraiblonde said:


> I gave this post the   smilie not because of the suddenness of her incapacity, but because she looks so cute and happy in that pic.


I know,  but thanks for clarifying.  That was 5 weeks before she had a stroke,  she had been after me to take her somewhere for a few days and I had kept putting it off because I was busy, it didnt appeal to me etc.  I ended up having a great time,  I'm so glad I got the chance to do that for her.

By the way that is outside of an artesian candle and bigfoot store.


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## PJay

PeoplesElbow said:


> The thing I worry about in home care is she won't recognize a care giver and freak out over someone she don't know.



You won't know till you try. I've taken care of a few elderly people because they are my favorite kind of people. Might take a few tries but the one you and your mom are comfortable with will be found. Like with anything..it takes time.


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## PeoplesElbow

One day Im going to write about my experience, mistakes I made, what I would have done different hopefully to help someone else out.  

Thanks for the replies everyone,  out of character for me, but I needed to let some stuff out and I just can't do that with the small amount of family I do have.


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## PJay

vraiblonde said:


> Well, she IS the mom and you're the kid.  This role-reversal most likely pisses her off as much as the dementia.  I know it would me.  I'd rather be dead than have one of my kids as my caretaker.
> 
> So try to see things from her perspective, and check out in-home care.  Good luck!



One lady I helped referred me to another lady because she was having a terrible time with her mom and needed to get away from her. She warned me her mom was mean, etc. I was little scared, but she was sweet to me. When the lady returned she was stunned. That experience happened more than once. I think a different face, conversation and being really interested in what they have to say, etc...they love it. When they point and tell you Santa Claus is standing and waving at them.. get excited with them and wave. True story.


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## ginwoman

If there is any way you can keep her home and have someone come in and help her that would be the way to go. My sister and I kept mom home as long as we could, hiring someone to be there when we couldn't be. We could no longer afford the help and it was stressing us out to no end. We got her into a nursing home in Leonardtown under Medicaid (after spending the last dollar she had). I don't recommend a nursing home if at all possible. They have A LOT to be desired. Even if you are there every day things happen. And its not good. Some of the staff are good but most are just there to do as little as possible. I hate to think what goes on when family's can't visit due to COVID. Good idea to check out Taylor Farms. I have heard mixed reviews on them.


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## Kyle

The home care option is a good one, if finances allow.

I used a service that medicare covered about 30% of for years. They would come in mid morning while I was at work and take care of any needs he had, they'd also check in on my mother before they left, who had Rheumatoid Arthritis and had extreme difficulties but was not an invalid.

It kept him well and among family for several years until the end.


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## Monello

PeoplesElbow said:


> I know,  but thanks for clarifying.  That was 5 weeks before she had a stroke,  she had been after me to take her somewhere for a few days and I had kept putting it off because I was busy, it didnt appeal to me etc.  I ended up having a great time,  I'm so glad I got the chance to do that for her.
> 
> By the way that is outside of an artesian candle and bigfoot store.


My dad passed in 2001 with my mom all alone in the house I grew up in.  So around 2003 I started taking her on cruises.  Around every 2 years we'd go somewhere warm in the winter.  At first we did a week then extended them out for 2 weeks.  A 2 week cruise wasn't much more than what they'd charge you for a week.

The last 2 times, she used a mobility chair.  I'd push her along.  We made a lot better time since she normally walks with a cane.  She's over her embarrassment phase of sitting in the chair.  Plus it gets us faster seating often.  Embarking on the ship, we don't have to wait in that mile long check in line.  She likes to travel and cruising doesn't require much more than buy a ticket to get on board.  The ship handles everything else.  I never counted but we've probably been to 15 different countries together.

I dread the day when she can no longer live independently.  At 86 years old, that day isn't too far off.


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## PJay

Monello said:


> My dad passed in 2001 with my mom all alone in the house I grew up in.  So around 2003 I started taking her on cruises.  Around every 2 years we'd go somewhere warm in the winter.  At first we did a week then extended them out for 2 weeks.  A 2 week cruise wasn't much more than what they'd charge you for a week.
> 
> The last 2 times, she used a mobility chair.  I'd push her along.  We made a lot better time since she normally walks with a cane.  She's over her embarrassment phase of sitting in the chair.  Plus it gets us faster seating often.  Embarking on the ship, we don't have to wait in that mile long check in line.  She likes to travel and cruising doesn't require much more than buy a ticket to get on board.  The ship handles everything else.  I never counted but we've probably been to 15 different countries together.
> 
> *I dread the day when she can no longer live independently.  At 86 years old, that day isn't too far off.*



What is her wish?


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## Monello

PJay said:


> What is her wish?


She's been saying for over 40 years that she doesn't want to go in a nursing home.  But some times what you want and what is practical don't align.


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## Bird Dog

May God Bless you all.......


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## Sneakers

All fun and games.  Got a call this morning that dad was on his way to urgent care for jaundice.  Wound up in the ER.  My brother that would normally handle it is in Jamaica.   So I'm at a rest stop just north of roanoake va on my way to AR.


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## PeoplesElbow

Sneakers said:


> All fun and games.  Got a call this morning that dad was on his way to urgent care for jaundice.  Wound up in the ER.  My brother that would normally handle it is in Jamaica.   So I'm at a rest stop just north of roanoake va on my way to AR.


Good luck, have a safe trip, and best wishes for your dad.


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## vraiblonde

I'm gonna put my mom on an ice floe with a bottle of water and a pack of cheese crackers when she starts to brown out.  

If she goes first, my stepdad will go live with my step-brother and they'll be fine.  If he goes first, on the floe she goes.


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## UglyBear

vraiblonde said:


> I'm gonna put my mom on an ice floe with a bottle of *fine scotch *and a *fancy charcuterie board *when she starts to brown out.
> 
> If she goes first, my stepdad will go live with my step-brother and they'll be fine.  If he goes first, on the floe she goes.


C’mon, at least make her last voyage pleasant.


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## Louise

UglyBear said:


> C’mon, at least make her last voyage pleasant.



I don’t get it. Sarcasm?


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## Louise

We brought my mom up from TX to live with us. She lived in our daughter’s room because she went to college. My mom was, always, a smart and sweet person, but the Alz changed her, completely. She lived with us for 2 years, and it was completely insane. So, we took her back to a TX nursing home. I was so sad. In Feb of 2007, her nurse called me on her personal phone at 3am to tell me that my mom would not make it through the night because her organs were shutting down. That was so nice, and I got to tell my mom how much I loved her, and what a great mom she was. My mom never said a word, but I know she heard me. There is a thing to this Alz thing being another killer too young. My grandparents on both sides lived on farms and ate eggs and bacon, everyday, and lived into their 90’s. My mom was 78 when she died.
I just turned 67. Scary stuff. And, I know that we want the best for our parents, and family. We can only do the best we can.  I know I, probably, will get backlash, but there is something to the processed foods, chem trails, and 5G.


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## Sneakers

PeoplesElbow said:


> Good luck, have a safe trip, and best wishes for your dad.


Thanx.  Didn't mean to hijack the thread.
Endoscope tomorrow for a blocked bile duct.  Fastest trip ever to AR. Left yesterday at 3pm, drove until 10pm, slept in a rest stop until 2am, back on the road, quick power nap at 7:30am, then straight thru arriving at 5pm, 1350 miles.  Showered and dressed and at his bedside by 6pm.

Nighty night...


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## SandieGarry

We are here to help with any questions that anyone might have. My wife had her own home health care business and is a wealth of information. Usually, if she can't answer your question, she can direct you to who can. As for in  home care, she always tells people to do your research about any prospective caregiver. If they are a Maryland resident, check their name on Maryland Judiciary website. Be careful of an agency, DO NOT pay in advance. My own mother just got taken because she paid in advance and the last day, the caregiver left early and my mom never got a refund. Private messages are ok if you don't want to ask publicly.


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## Louise

To mitzi.  Thank you for the sad emoji.  I should have said in my post, also, that the reason we took my mom back to TX is because my brothers lived there at that time, and wanted to be able to visit her.  Thanks for your response.


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## mitzi

Louise said:


> To mitzi.  Thank you for the sad emoji.  I should have said in my post, also, that the reason we took my mom back to TX is because my brothers lived there at that time, and wanted to be able to visit her.  Thanks for your response.



I was fortunate this didn't happen with my parents . I can only imagine how heartbreaking and hard it is.


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## Louise

mitzi said:


> I was fortunate this didn't happen with my parents . I can only imagine how heartbreaking and hard it is.



Thank you.


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## Gilligan

My Mom just turned 89 and so far we (her four kids) have managed to keep her content with home care provided by ourselves. She stays semi-permanently at my sister's place in WV where my bro-in-law operates his business out of their home office. Then from there we rotate Mom to our island compound, where she also has a room that is all "hers" with her personal stuff in it and someone is always here...and to my other sister's place in southern VA where, again, Mom has her own room and that bro-in-law is retired so he's around to assist during the day.

So far so good...but we're anticipating the need for an in-home assistant to help care for her in the not-to-distant future as her mobility declines...which unfortunately it is.  We've already looked in to the options and it's roughly $3000/month for typical in-home caregiver in WV (visiting..not live-in, of course).


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## PeoplesElbow

Talk about ups and downs,  for a few weeks mom seemed to be improving, now some things are still better but some are worse.  

She wanted subs and french fries for lunch,  I try to limit her carbs but once and a while let her have what she wants.  I went out to pickup jimmy johns and fries from wendys,  got back she was eating "breakfast", totally forgot I went out to pick up lunch and that we had eaten breakfast a few hours earlier.  I was a little late getting lunch because she kept stopping me wanting something like a kid that you tell to piss before you start on a car ride to have them say they have to pee in 5 minutes....   

Surprised I still have a full head of hair.


----------

