# Old Time Sayings



## clevalley

OK - let's list the ones we know;

_As useless as tits on a boar hog_...


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## flomaster

One foot in the grave and the other on a bananna peel!


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## toppick08

Raining harder than a double-cudded cow pizzing on a flat rock.


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## Toxick

If'n it ain't broke, don't fix it.


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## sux2b44

Dummer than a box of rocks.


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## clevalley

Harder than trying to push a greasy string up a cats azz.


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## meangirl

Uglier than homemade sin.


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## toppick08

Slicker than owlchiat.


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## toppick08

Harder than a preacher's pecker.


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## sux2b44

ok that one was just not right - "-)


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## vraiblonde

Queerer'n a three dollar bill.


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## sux2b44

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


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## sux2b44

Ok this one is just funny - A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid


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## meangirl

Meaner than a junkyard dog.


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## clevalley

Tighter than trying to stretch a gnats ass over a rain barrel.


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## toppick08

He/she will worry the horns off a billy goat.


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## toppick08

clevalley said:


> Tighter than trying to stretch a gnats ass over a rain barrel.


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## vraiblonde

You need that like a hen needs a flag.


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## toppick08

clevalley said:


> Harder than trying to push a greasy string up a cats azz.



on the same note of cats

I'll have this done quicker than a cat will lick his azz.


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## meangirl

Don't throw the baby out with the wash water.


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## clevalley

That is a Pig in a Poke. 'Buying something worthless..."


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## toppick08

More screwed up than a soup sandwich.


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## toppick08

Thicker than hops.


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## sux2b44

toppick08 said:


> More screwed up than a soup sandwich.


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## smilin

Deedy By God! - (First time I met Vrai).


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## clevalley

More tired than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest (one of my favorites - damn, I miss my dad :tearingup


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## meangirl

Going to beat you like a redheaded step-child.


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## meangirl

clevalley said:


> More tired than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest (one of my favorites - damn, I miss my dad :tearingup


 
That's one of my favorites too.


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## clevalley

More tired than a double di#$ed billy goat...


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## Rael

He was all over it, like a hobo on a ham sammich.


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## clevalley

meangirl said:


> Going to beat you like a redheaded step-child.



I use to use that one until I heared;

Going to beat you like a rented mule!

All of these are great!!!  :snort:


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## clevalley

toppick08 said:


> More screwed up than a soup sandwich.


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## flomaster

Screwed up as Hogans Goat!

More F'd up than a football bat!


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## Nanny Pam

Busier than a whore with 10 beds.


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## Nanny Pam

I'm as tight as a tick.

(said after eating a big meal.)


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## clevalley

Rael said:


> He was all over it, like a hobo on a ham sammich.





all over it like;

... white on rice
... stink on shiat


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## meangirl

Cleanliness is next to Godliness.


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## GWguy

Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.


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## RoseRed

Couldn't fight their way out of a wet paper bag.


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## meangirl

Come hell or high water.


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## Rael

clevalley said:


> all over it like;
> 
> ... white on rice
> ... stink on shiat


or like a bass on a june bug.


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## sux2b44

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy


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## godsbutterfly

There's always

I'm gonna slap you seven ways to Sunday!


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## sux2b44

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker


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## Nanny Pam

Stepping over a baby sleeping on the floor will stunt their growth.

(my Mom always said that.)


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## rich70

Drink till she's hot


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## clevalley

Hotter than...

... dog shiat in a skillet
... honeymoon hotel
... a firecraker
... a pistol
... a habanero
... red-azzed bee


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## meangirl

Deader than a doorknob.


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## clevalley

godsbutterfly said:


> There's always
> 
> I'm gonna slap you seven ways to Sunday!



Slap you so hard I will knock your momma out...


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## GWguy

Dumb as Dirt


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## sux2b44

Fish and visitors stink after three days.


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## clevalley

Punch your chest so hard I will crush your spine...


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## clevalley

Dumber than owl shiat


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## GWguy

Hit you in the head so hard you'll have to look up to look down.


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## Rael

blind as a mole in coal


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## flomaster

If this vans rockin don't bother knockin!


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## Nanny Pam

"I'm gonna reach down your throat, grab you by the ass, and turn you inside out."


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## smilin

That went over like a ham sandwich at a Jewish wedding!


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## Rael

busier than a one legged cat coverin' shiat


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## meangirl

It's always darkest before dawn.


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## clevalley

Jumpy as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs


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## clevalley

Rael said:


> busier than a one legged cat coverin' shiat



Busier than a cat covering shiat and running 20 miles for sand.


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## clevalley

Slower than molasses in January


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## meangirl

Rael said:


> busier than a one legged cat coverin' shiat


 
 The visual on that one...


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## RoseRed

Every cloud has a silver lining.


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## clevalley

So broke I cannot pay attention


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## clevalley

That dog don't hunt


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## RoseRed

If you can't run with the big dogs, stay on the porch.


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## smilin

That boy just ain't hitting on all cylinders


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## clevalley

I'm as happy as a pig in slop.


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## clevalley

smilin said:


> That boy just ain't hitting on all cylinders



That boy has too much right rudder


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## smilin

That Ford runs like a scalded dog!


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## otter

He/She be eat up with dumbness.

3 cards short of a full deck


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## meangirl

Let bygones be bygones.


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## sux2b44

stop beating a dead horse

you can take a horse to water but you cant make him drink


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## clevalley

No shame in growing old as the alternative is to die young


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## GWguy

Not the brightest light in the candelabra.


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## smilin

He/She is so ugly they look like the South end of a North bound cow


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## clevalley

Can't get blood from a stone

Blood is thicker than water


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## clevalley

not the sharpest...

... pencil in the pack
... tool in the shed


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## sux2b44

Everyones favorite - Save the drama for yo momma!!!


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## Nanny Pam

she has a kink in her slinky.


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## sux2b44

Nanny Pam said:


> she has a kink in her slinky.


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## clevalley

A closed mouth gathers no feet


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## sux2b44

His/her mom breathed when she should have pushed.


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## flomaster

Couple sandwiches short of a picnic

Thats gonna go over like a turd in the punch bowl


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## sux2b44

Dont get sand in your va jay jay.

Dont get your azz up on your sholders.


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## clevalley

Nanny Pam said:


> she has a kink in her slinky.



 - 

Kinda like ' Hook for the Nook ' (think I heard this from Rackem')


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## RoseRed

flomaster said:


> Couple sandwiches short of a picnic
> 
> Thats gonna go over like a turd in the punch bowl



Or...

...go over like a lead balloon.


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## Rael

clevalley said:


> not the sharpest...
> 
> ... pencil in the pack
> ... tool in the shed



we seem to have some of the same words with different applications 

sharp as a bowling ball


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## clevalley

gotta die of something


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## smilin

(He's so dumb...) He heard trains when God said brains


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## GWguy

Don't get your shorts in a twist.


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## gumby

Dumber than a bucket of azzholes.


I'm gonna rip your head off and shiat down your neck.


His sidewalk doesn't go all the way to the street.


Tired as a one legged man in an azz kickin' contest.


So ugly yo momma had to tie a pork chop around your neck to get the dog to play with you.


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## Rael

has the fulll six-pack, but lacking the plastic thingy that holds it all together


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## clevalley

Rael said:


> we seem to have some of the same words with different applications
> 
> sharp as a bowling ball



Lot's of permutations on this one!!!  That is one of my favorites and I forgot it!!! 

I also say - 

he/she has the personality of a bowling ball


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## Nanny Pam

clevalley said:


> A closed mouth gathers no feet


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## RoseRed

*For a thunder storm...*

God is rearranging the furniture.

or...

The Angel's are bowling.


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## GWguy

gumby said:


> So ugly yo momma had to tie a pork chop around your neck to get the dog to play with you.



So ugly that when you was born the doctor slapped yo mama


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## sux2b44




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## clevalley

RoseRed said:


> God is rearranging the furniture.
> 
> or...
> 
> The Angel's are bowling.



My Dad said;

Rolling out the Kegs at the Hotel Charles!


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## sux2b44

My dad's favorite - Apples dont fall far from the tree


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## clevalley

Happier than a homo with a wheelbarrow full of dildo's


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## sux2b44

Lights are on but no ones home.


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## Rael

he's so lazy...

tough to believe he outswam six million other sperm


kayI'mrunning:


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## sux2b44

Dummer than a fly swatterfull of holes.


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## sux2b44

Rael said:


> he's so lazy...
> 
> tough to believe he outswam six million other sperm
> 
> 
> kayI'mrunning:


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## clevalley

Rael said:


> he's so lazy...
> 
> tough to believe he outswam six million other sperm
> 
> 
> kayI'mrunning:


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## ImnoMensa

Tighter than Dick's hatband.


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## Rael

ImnoMensa said:


> Tighter than Dick's hatband.


or a bull's azz at fly time


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## sux2b44

If a cow laughs hard, does milk come out its nose?


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## clevalley

Best part of him/her ran down his/her momma's leg


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## sux2b44

In Order to get the handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads


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## sux2b44

It may be your sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others


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## _MightyMouse_

I'd slap you, but SH1T splatters!


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## _MightyMouse_

More cushion for the pushin'!


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## _MightyMouse_

She could suck a golf ball through a garden hose!

And, suck the chrome off a trailer hitch!


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## Dupontster

sux2b44 said:


> Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker



Candy is dandy but sex won't rot your teeth

They look like 2 monkies trying to F*** a football

Happy as a dog with 2 weenies


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## sux2b44

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look too good either. 

Only in America do we have drive up ATM's with braile on them


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## sux2b44

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together


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## clevalley

Let sleeping dogs lie


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## clevalley

May your ears turn into arseholes and shiat on your shoulders


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## _MightyMouse_

Hit it and forget it...


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## clevalley

Grip it and rip it


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## clevalley

So damn hungry I can eat the south bound end out of a north bound skunk


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## clevalley

If you ate something that taste bad;

Go find the dog - I have to lick its arse to get the taste out of mouth


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## Rael

You fell out of an ugly tree and hit every single branch on the way down.


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## clevalley

Your family tree must have one long branch


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## sux2b44

If it weren't for Edison, we'd be watching TV by candlelight.


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## godsbutterfly

You'd make the perfect advertisment for birth control

  It's better to keep your mouth shut & be thought a fool than to open it and remove all  doubt.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.


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## sux2b44

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door


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## godsbutterfly

If you had a brain you'd be dangerous!


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## clevalley

godsbutterfly said:


> You'd make the perfect advertisment for birth control.



Poster child for birth control...

Poster child for ritalin...


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## Rael

Don't run off mad, just run off


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## Dupontster

_MightyMouse_ said:


> Hit it and forget it...


Lick it before ya stick it



godsbutterfly said:


> If you had a brain you'd be dangerous!



If you had a brain, you'd take it out and play wif it..


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## GWguy

clevalley said:


> Your family tree must have one long branch



"Vertical Family Tree"


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## jazz lady

Too bad ignorance isn't painful.

Three fries short of a Happy Meal.

Up sh**'s creek without a paddle.

It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings.

Happy as a pig in slop.

Nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.


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## Rael

Forget about the mule, just keep loadin' up the wagon


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## GWguy

godsbutterfly said:


> If you had half a brain you'd be dangerous!



:fixed:


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## gumby

Dupontster said:


> Lick it before ya hit it
> 
> 
> 
> If you had a brain, you'd take it out and play wif it..



If you had a brain, you'd take it out and pee on it to see if it would rust.

Licker in the front and poker in the rear


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## sux2b44

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.


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## clevalley

gumby said:


> If you had a brain, you'd take it out and pee on it to see if it would rust.
> 
> *Liquor *in the front and poker in the rear



:fixed: - but we know


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## Rael

Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.







_don't know what that means, bein' I'm a northerner and all..._


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## smilin

144 posts in two hours has to be some kind of record.


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## clevalley

smilin said:


> 144 posts in two hours has to be some kind of record.



I know - this tread is


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## clevalley

Good Lord and a Quarter


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## Rael

smilin said:


> 144 posts in two hours has to be some kind of record.



It's the combined wisdom of everyone. 
though I've seen quicker supernovas here.


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## smilin

Gotta pee like a race horse


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## sux2b44

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. 

Of course I don't look busy.....I did it right the first time

Of all the things I`ve lost, I miss my mind the most

Everytime I think I've hit the bottom, someone lends me a shovel

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after. 

Early bird gets the worm, but the second worm gets to live

I smile because i have no idea what's going on

'Stressed' is 'Desserts' spelled backwards 

I'm not insensitive, I just don't care. 

My imaginary friend thinks you have some serious problems

My favorite - Reach for the moon. Even if you miss you'll land among the stars.


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## sux2b44

All that and potato chips too!!!!


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## clevalley

If my dog had a face like yours I would shave its butt and teach it to walk backwards


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## clevalley

Slicker than snot


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## OldHillcrestGuy

His or her elevator doesnt go to the top floor.


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## smilin

Can't hoot with the owls and soar with the eagles


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## OldHillcrestGuy

Ive been turned down more times then a bedsheet in a cheap hotel/motel.


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## OldHillcrestGuy

Harry and the twins.


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## Toxick

clevalley said:


> Hotter than...
> 
> ... dog shiat in a skillet
> ... honeymoon hotel
> ... a firecraker
> ... a pistol
> ... a habanero
> ... red-azzed bee





These have all been superseded by the newer more hip phrase: "hot as balls"


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## clevalley

Keep the tread going - I have to go to a pinewood derby comp...  so that means;

Wheels Up!

Can't let the grass grow under my feet!


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## Etred101

Is a duck waterproof? (Fred Sanford)
Well ... raise my rent!  (Fred again)

You buttered your bread - now sleep in it.
Tighter than a frog's ass. 
If ugly was a cereal, his picture would be on the box.
Like watching cars rust.
Et cetera...


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## Dupontster

IF a bull frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his ass


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## Dupontster

IF my sister had balls she'd be my brother..


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## Rael

grinnin' like a mule eatin' briar


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## luvscats

Finer than a frog's hair!   
    In response to "how are ya?"


He went to shiat and the hogs ate him.
    In response to "where's Dad" or "where's Billy Bob" etc


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## meangirl

Revenge is sweet.


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## meangirl

full of piss and vinegar


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## river rat

Ever since Hector was a pup


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## river rat

Pick'in fly shit out of pepper


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## meangirl

You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.


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## river rat

like a fish outta water


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## mamajo

three sheets in the wind

like white on rice


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## river rat

So dumb......

He/she could screw up scrap metal


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## river rat

Can't eat your pride


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## river rat

The phrase my father used the most.........


Money don't grow on trees


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## RoseRed

Like, Gag me with a spoon... 

or...

Pitch me with a fork...


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## river rat

What crawl up your ass?


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## meangirl

river rat said:


> What crawl up your ass?


 
 I love that one.

You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.


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## _MightyMouse_

Ready to get Faded n X'rated...


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## spike2763

You can put lipstick on a pig, but when you kiss it, it's still a pig


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## meangirl

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.


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## ImnoMensa

Stiffer than a wedding d*ck
Harder than chinese arithmetic
harder than Supermans kneecap
Tougher than Wang leather
Cold as a witches T*t
Cold as a whore's heart
Tighter than a well diggers azz.


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## County_Boy

it's colder than a witch's tit

it's harder than a wedding Dick


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## meangirl

When you lie down with dogs, you're going to get fleas.


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## clevalley

Toxick said:


> These have all been superseded by the newer more hip phrase: "hot as balls"


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## clevalley

I'd rather have a sister in a whore house than a brother in a/doing :blank:


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## clevalley

Slicker than greased cat gut...


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## clevalley

Easier than a hot knife through butter


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## gumby

He's so dumb he couldn't pour water out of a boot with directions on the heel.


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## meangirl

When the going gets tough the tough get going.


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## wineo

Your just jealous he can lick his own.


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## GWguy

Got a hair across his azz.


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## meangirl

Look what the cat dragged in.


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## sweetpea15

don't let the door hit you on your way out

a penny for your thought


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## GWguy

If I had a nickel for every.....


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## clevalley

sweetpea15 said:


> don't let the door hit you on your way out



Don't let the door hit 'ya where the Good Lord split 'ya...


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## ~mellabella~

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Don't take no wooden nickles ( I just learned what this meant last year, LOL)


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## _MightyMouse_

So tight that you could put a piece of coal up your a$$ and you'd sh1t a diamond...


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## meangirl

Waste not, want not.

A watched pot never boils.


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## meangirl

Variety is the spice of life.


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## tomchamp

meangirl said:


> Waste not, want not.
> 
> A watched pot never boils.



How do you feel about Roe vs. Wade?


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## meangirl

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.


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## meangirl

The more things change the more they stay the same.


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## meangirl

Step on a crack break your mama's back.


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## meangirl

Like a moth to a flame 

Curiosity killed the cat.  Satisfaction brought it back. 

Meaner than a rattlesnake.


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## _MightyMouse_

Whoever smelt it, dealt it.


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## meangirl

He was drunk as a skunk.


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## meangirl

Remove user from ignore list
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Remove user from ignore list
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## EmnJoe

Christ on a crutch!

Best thing since sliced bread!


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## clevalley

Older than dirt...


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## clevalley

Got his ass on his back


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## Bronwyn

Tables are for glasses not for azzes

Revenge is a dish best served cold

Like fitting a square peg in a round hole

Wild hair up your azz


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## toppick08

Nanny Pam said:


> I'm as tight as a tick.
> 
> (said after eating a big meal.)



...one of my favorites.


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## toppick08

ImnoMensa said:


> Tighter than Dick's hatband.



another classic....


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## toppick08

When thigs go wrong:

Oh boy!, sugar turned to chiat.


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## toppick08

If,

If my aunt had a dick, she'd be my uncle.


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## toppick08

clevalley said:


> Hotter than...
> 
> ... dog shiat in a skillet
> ... honeymoon hotel
> ... a firecraker
> ... a pistol
> ... a habanero
> ... red-azzed bee



the Fourth of July.


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## Roberta

toppick08 said:


> If,
> 
> If my aunt had a dick, she'd be my uncle.



Stick a fork in me, I'm done.


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## Beelzebaby666

"You ain't gotta go home, but you can't stay here."

"Keep starin', it might do a trick."

"Find em, feel 'em, f*ck 'em and forget 'em."

"Hope Christ kill me dead."

"Dumber than a sack o' hammers."

(to the guy in the car next to you) "#####, do I owe you money?"

"Let's not and say we did."


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## toppick08

pissin' in the wind.


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## Beelzebaby666

"Full as a hooker with six holes."

"Nekkid as a jaybird."

"Horny as a cat."

"Crazy as a bat."

"Sharp as a bowlingball."


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## toppick08

Beelzebaby666 said:


> "Full as a hooker with six holes."
> 
> "Nekkid as a jaybird."
> 
> "Horny as a cat."
> 
> "Crazy as a bat."
> 
> "Sharp as a bowlingball."


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## toppick08

That was better luck, than good management........


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## EmnJoe

She might as well be walkin' around with a mattress on her back.


----------



## Roberta

I don't recall, therefor it did not happen.


----------



## Bronwyn

"I see" said the blind man....


----------



## toppick08

The early bird gets the worm.


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## Beelzebaby666

toppick08 said:


> The early bird gets the worm.


 
But the second mouse gets the cheese


----------



## EmnJoe

"Life is like a box of chocolate. Ya never know whatcha gonna get."


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## toppick08

Beelzebaby666 said:


> But the second mouse gets the cheese


----------



## toppick08

I feel more closed in than a turtle's pecker.


----------



## Bronwyn

No need to bring sand to the beach....


----------



## Roberta

He/She was rode hard and put up wet.


----------



## EmnJoe

Gone to the bad.


----------



## EmnJoe

No scense crying over spilled milk


----------



## Bronwyn

(For the firefighters) 

Find 'em hot and leave 'em wet!


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## Roberta

What's the rest of the story, Paul Harvey?


----------



## EmnJoe

See ya later, Alligators!


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## Bronwyn

EmnJoe said:


> See ya later, Alligators!



In a while crocadile!


----------



## toppick08

Here's one my grandfather used when faced with a problem:

Ain't no hill for no stepper.....


----------



## Bronwyn

Can this day get any worse?


----------



## toppick08

Another he would use when getting close to completing any task:

We're in the short rows, now........(he used to plant those dreaded 150' long rows in his garden)


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## Bronwyn

Ok you are making me think of my grandmas boyfriend...


Better burp and taste it than fart and waste it

Better out than in


----------



## toppick08

Bronwyn said:


> Ok you are making me think of my grandmas boyfriend...
> 
> 
> Better burp and taste it than fart and waste it
> 
> Better out than in


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## toppick08

*RIP Junior Samples*

Call BR-549.......


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## Bronwyn

X marks the spot


----------



## river rat

Multiplying like rabbits


----------



## river rat

Even a chicken knows to come in outta the rain


----------



## river rat

If it looks like a duck
and quacks like a duck

Then it's a duck


----------



## river rat

Oh yea here is an oldie...
When telling a secret....

between me, you, and the fence post.


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## river rat

Hotter than a $2 pistol

Hotter than the gates of hell


----------



## river rat

He's slower than my grandma and she's 98 and bow-legged


----------



## river rat

Pot call'in the kettle black

When you point a finger (in blame), there's three pointing back at ya.


----------



## river rat

My Dad's all time favorite...............





















Only her hairdresser knows for sure!


----------



## toppick08

river rat said:


> Oh yea here is an oldie...
> When telling a secret....
> 
> between me, you, and the fence post.


----------



## toppick08

A bird in the hand is beter than two in the bush.


----------



## mamissa3

my grandmother tells me that if i foreget something it must have been a lie.  Sorry if repeat i didnt read all 26 pages lol


----------



## mamissa3

Did  you wake up on the wrong side of the bed?


----------



## toppick08

I'll be there, directly.


----------



## toppick08

I've been up since early thirty.

Gonna work from can to cain't.


----------



## GWguy

Bronwyn said:


> "I see" said the blind man....



I see, said the blind man to the deaf man who was leaning on the lame man who picked his hammer and saw....


----------



## toppick08

GWguy said:


> I see, said the blind man to the deaf man who was leaning on the lame man who picked his hammer and saw....


----------



## Kain99

Roads are slicker than owl shiat!


----------



## GWguy

My mama didn't raise no fool.


----------



## mainman

Kain99 said:


> Roads are slicker than owl shiat!


on a door knob?


----------



## toppick08

Kain99 said:


> Roads are slicker than owl shiat!





post #8


----------



## General Lee

clevalley said:


> More tired than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest (one of my favorites - damn, I miss my dad :tearingup



I say it as : Busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. One of my favorites too.


----------



## toppick08

*Dicki do disease*

Had a crazy truck driver tell me this one about fat gutted men.

His belly sticks out more than his dicki-do............

he must have been a "good" buddy..........


----------



## mainman

"If she had as many sticking out of her as she did sticking in her, she would look like a porcupine"


----------



## General Lee

toppick08 said:


> Had a crazy truck driver tell me this one about fat gutted men.
> 
> His belly sticks out more than his dicki-do............
> 
> he must have been a "good" buddy..........



Haha...... I've heard that called the dick-do disease


----------



## toppick08

mainman said:


> "If she had as many sticking out of her as she did sticking in her, she would look like a porcupine"





That's a good one.


----------



## mainman

toppick08 said:


> That's a good one.


----------



## GWguy

From my Dad, but I'm sure it's been around;
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out!"

From my Grandmother, who lived in a Jewish neighborhood in Queens, NY;
"Oi, Vey!"

"Stop schlumping at the table and sit up straight!"

"You're dressed like a homyock!"  (never did figure out what that was..., but it wasn't a compliment)


----------



## toppick08

Drunker than Cooter Brown.........

Google him if you like.


----------



## clevalley

Bronwyn said:


> Ok you are making me think of my grandmas boyfriend...
> 
> 
> Better burp and taste it than fart and waste it
> 
> Better out than in



One of my Dad's;

Better to let it go and feel the shame than hold it in and bear the pain!


----------



## clevalley

when something is moving fast;

Runnin' like a stripe'ed ass ape


----------



## clevalley

mainman said:


> "If she had as many sticking out of her as she did sticking in her, she would look like a porcupine"



I love that one!!!  Which reminds me of a short joke 

What is the diffeence between a porcupine and a BMW?

The porcupine has its pricks on the OUTSIDE...

Sorry BMW owners - you can insert any other luxury car to suit your taste


----------



## Roberta

Huston! We have a problem.


----------



## FireBrand

"All this and Humble too! " 


"If Brains were Gunpowder, you couldn't Blow your Nose"


"You don't know Sh!t from Shine-ola"


----------



## toppick08

clevalley said:


> I love that one!!!  Which reminds me of a short joke
> 
> What is the diffeence between a porcupine and a BMW?
> 
> The porcupine has its pricks on the OUTSIDE...
> 
> Sorry BMW owners - you can insert any other luxury car to suit your taste


----------



## smilin

mainman said:


> "If she had as many sticking out of her as she did sticking in her, she would look like a porcupine"






Lock & Load!
Everybody inside - outside!


----------



## RoseRed

She's about a biscuit...


----------



## Beelzebaby666

Bronwyn said:


> Ok you are making me think of my grandmas boyfriend...
> 
> 
> Better burp and taste it than fart and waste it
> 
> Better out than in


 
You're Grandma's boyfriend is famous for that


----------



## godsbutterfly

If somebody is a constant whiner.....

You know where you find Sympathy in the Dictionary?   Between Shiat and Syphilis!

When kids are acting up..

I hope you have 10 kids just like you!
You know Diaper spelled backwards is Repaid right?


----------



## toppick08

godsbutterfly said:


> If somebody is a constant whiner.....
> 
> You know where you find Sympathy in the Dictionary?   Between Shiat and Syphilis!
> 
> When kids are acting up..
> 
> I hope you have 10 kids just like you!
> You know Diaper spelled backwards is Repaid right?


----------



## kayo

My Dad's favorite when something went wrong and we heard this a lot!

"If it was raining soup, I'd be caught with a fork!!!"


----------



## camily

Hung like a stud field mouse.


----------



## toppick08

camily said:


> Hung like a stud field mouse.


----------



## kayo

Treated like a red-headed step child!


----------



## FireBrand

When it's raining and the sun is shining at the same time:
"The devil is beating his wife"


----------



## Toreadoralpha

Sure yur purty! Purty ugly, an purty apt to stay that way!


----------



## Toreadoralpha

Its like tryin to herd cats.


----------



## Toreadoralpha

Like tryin to stuff a marshmallow into a parkin meter!


----------



## Toreadoralpha

Sweatin like a whore in Sunday school.


----------



## Toreadoralpha

My Mom's fav!

I ain't been this happy since the pigs ate my little brother!


----------



## toppick08

Toreadoralpha said:


> Sweatin like a whore in Sunday school.


----------



## smilin

When somebody wants something stupid....

"If rain was beer...."


----------



## Toreadoralpha

Yhea, and if a frog had legs, it wouldn't bump its a$$ a hoppin!


----------



## toppick08

Like water running off a duck's back.


----------



## toppick08

Probably already said:

Sore as a risin'


----------



## Toreadoralpha

(When sick)

I feel like I've shot at and missed, sh!t at and hit!


----------



## Toreadoralpha

He's as worthless as tits on a boarhog!

Obviously I have a memory like a collander!


----------



## Toreadoralpha

Common sense is an oxymoron.


----------



## toppick08

Toreadoralpha said:


> He's as worthless as tits on a boarhog!




Post #1


----------



## Toreadoralpha

(About a stupid person)

You're like a cheap hooker. You don't miss a trick do you?


----------



## Toreadoralpha

toppick08 said:


> Post #1



Oopps!

My Bad!


----------



## toppick08

Toreadoralpha said:


> Oopps!
> 
> My Bad!


----------



## Toreadoralpha

Beauty is skin deep, but ugly goes down to the bone.


----------



## Toreadoralpha

You don't know Jack $hit, and Jack just left town.


----------



## Toreadoralpha

Sticks and stones can break your bones, but names can never hurt me!


----------



## toppick08

Hung like a mule.


----------



## Toreadoralpha

(My uncle's fav)

It ain't a burp, its a smart fart that took the elevator!


----------



## toppick08

Toreadoralpha said:


> (My uncle's fav)
> 
> It ain't a burp, its a smart fart that took the elevator!





had an uncle who said , " a burp is a fart going backwards"...God rest his soul.


----------



## FireBrand

a rolling stone gathers no moss


----------



## Toreadoralpha

Did your parents have any kids that lived?


----------



## FireBrand

a chain is as strong as it's weakest link


----------



## Toreadoralpha

Grandpa ain't sleepin, he's checkin his eyelids for leaks.


----------



## Toreadoralpha

Why don't you take a long walk on a short pier?


----------



## Toreadoralpha

I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.


----------



## FireBrand

Be consistent - but don't do it all the time !


----------



## Toreadoralpha

(Irma Bombeck I believe.)

The grass is always greener over the septic tank.


----------



## Toreadoralpha

FireBrand said:


> Be consistent - but don't do it all the time !





All things in moderation - even moderation!


----------



## FireBrand

Madness takes it's toll - please have exact change !


----------



## Toreadoralpha

The Golden rule: He who has the gold, makes the rules.


----------



## Toreadoralpha

(From Mom)

Whenever you hear a siren, say a prayer. Somebody needs help.


----------



## FireBrand

Silence is Golden, Duct Tape is Silver


----------



## FireBrand

The more it stays the same, the less it changes (Spinal Tap)


----------



## FireBrand

It's not the jeans that make your ass look fat !


----------



## luvscats

Who peed in yer Cheerios this mornin?!


(when you're having a bad day and you're crabby)


----------



## Toreadoralpha

FireBrand said:


> Silence is Golden, Duct Tape is Silver



 Love that One! Thanks for reminding me.


----------



## toppick08

When in Rome, do as the Romans do..............


----------



## jazz lady

FireBrand said:


> a rolling stone gathers no moss



And MythBusters disproved that.  



Some Southernisms:

Never get into a braying contest with a jackass.

Like a rubber-nosed woodpecker in a petrified forest.

It's hotter than a possum makin love in a wool sock.

Uglier than a bucket full of arm pits.

Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with a elephant.

It's colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra doing pushups in the snow.

You are nuttier than a porta-potty at a peanut festival.

He's so drunk he couldn't hit the floor with his hat.

You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape.  If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use duct tape.

His cheese slipped off his cracker one too many times.

It's as easy as sliding off a greasy log backwards.


----------



## jazz lady

Toreadoralpha said:


> (Erma Bombeck I believe.)
> 
> The grass is always greener over the septic tank.



I have that book!  And it's definitely true.


----------



## toppick08

Finer than frog hair.


----------



## Toreadoralpha

toppick08 said:


> Finer than frog hair.



Post #163 ... just a friendly payback...


----------



## toppick08

Toreadoralpha said:


> Post #163 ... just a friendly payback...


----------



## toppick08

Hurts like a piss-ant bite........


----------



## FireBrand

Gotta' piss like a race-horse


----------



## Toreadoralpha

Here's one I never understood.

"Sleeping like a baby."

What, up every two hours cryin?


----------



## FireBrand

Toreadoralpha said:


> Here's one I never understood.
> 
> "Sleeping like a baby."
> 
> What, up every two hours cryin?


 
Good point !


----------



## Toreadoralpha

(No offense to Officers)

He's faster than a cop on the way to Dunkin Doughnuts!


----------



## FireBrand

The Dog Days of Summer


----------



## toppick08

FireBrand said:


> Gotta' piss like a race-horse



Forgot about that one.


----------



## toppick08

*RIP, Jerry Clower*

EEEEEEEEWWWWW.............shoot that thang'...............


----------



## smilin

Finally!.....

It ain't over till it's finally over!


----------



## GopherM

That test was harder than Superman's knee cap.


----------



## GopherM

Jim's got enough money to burn a wet mule.


----------



## GopherM

That boy was busier than a set of jumper cables at a hillbilly funeral.


----------



## GopherM

Harder to get rid of than a booger on my finger.


----------



## GopherM

When someone is about to do something that will get them in trouble or make them look lie a fool...

Boy, don't go peeing on your own shoes.


----------



## clevalley

toppick08 said:


> Post #1



That is what started all this mess in another tread!


----------



## clevalley

jazz lady said:


> And MythBusters disproved that.
> 
> 
> 
> Some Southernisms:
> 
> Never get into a braying contest with a jackass.
> 
> Like a rubber-nosed woodpecker in a petrified forest.
> 
> It's hotter than a possum makin love in a wool sock.
> 
> Uglier than a bucket full of arm pits.
> 
> Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with a elephant.
> 
> It's colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra doing pushups in the snow.
> 
> You are nuttier than a porta-potty at a peanut festival.
> 
> He's so drunk he couldn't hit the floor with his hat.
> 
> You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape.  If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use duct tape.
> 
> His cheese slipped off his cracker one too many times.
> 
> It's as easy as sliding off a greasy log backwards.


----------



## toppick08

clevalley said:


> That is what started all this mess in another tread!







You might set a record with this one........


----------



## clevalley

Don't crap where you eat...


----------



## clevalley

Couldn't hit the broadside of a barn...

I was just told that from my 11 y/o target practicing!!!


----------



## clevalley

when you are pizzed at someone;

Shoot them with sheep shiat and kill them for stinking!


----------



## toppick08

Don't start no shiat, and there won't be any.....


----------



## toppick08

My pa-paw used to say after a hard days work:

Just give me kind words, and cool water......


----------



## Bronwyn

don't bite the hand that feeds you.


----------



## toppick08

Bronwyn said:


> don't bite the hand that feeds you.


----------



## Bronwyn

Time to Shiat or get off the pot!


----------



## Bronwyn

(for all the catholics)

Jesus Mary and Joseph!!


----------



## toppick08

Bronwyn said:


> (for all the catholics)
> 
> Jesus Mary and Joseph!!



For all the Protestants:

The only difference between a Baptist and Methodist is the Methodist will say hello to ya' in a liquor store................


----------



## Dupontster

clevalley said:


> Couldn't hit the broadside of a barn...
> 
> I was just told that from my 11 y/o target practicing!!!



Couldn't hit a bull in the ass with a snow shovel


----------



## Dupontster

For bad drivers:

Couldn't drive flies out of a chit house


----------



## Bronwyn

Dupontster said:


> Couldn't hit a bull in the ass with a snow shovel



Couldn't hit the broadside of a barn with a shot gun


----------



## FireBrand

Run to the Roundhouse Annie, he can't corner you there !


----------



## FireBrand

They're all bloody crazy except for you and me..........and sometimes I got my doubts about you !


----------



## clevalley

Dupontster said:


> Couldn't hit a bull in the ass with a snow shovel



or a banjo!


----------



## kayo

My house, my rules!


----------



## clevalley

kayo said:


> My house, my rules!


----------



## clevalley

It's water under the bridge...


----------



## toppick08

Monkey see, monkey do.

Sawry great mills fans.....


----------



## GWguy

clevalley said:


> It's water under the bridge...



My Gawd... are you STILL at this???  Have you even taken a potty break today??


----------



## toppick08

GWguy said:


> My Gawd... are you STILL at this???  Have you even taken a potty break today??


----------



## Bronwyn

Hear no evil... see no evil... speak no evil


----------



## GWguy

toppick08 said:


>



Yeah, YOU TOO!!!!  I've been to Baltimore and back and find you guys right where I left you at 9am.....


----------



## smilin

Everybody's born a Democrat, then they grow up and become Republicans


----------



## FireBrand

Give me ambiguity or give me something else


----------



## GWguy

Only left-handed people are in their right minds.


----------



## clevalley

GWguy said:


> My Gawd... are you STILL at this???  Have you even taken a potty break today??





Heck no, wearing depends!!! - I am trying to break a record here!

Actually, been home all day doing this and that outside... when I think of one I walk by the computer and type it in!!!

But I did hear from from Larry the Cable Guy;

*Dissapeared faster than a set of rims at a Puff Daddy concert !!!*


----------



## meangirl

There's no fool like an old fool.


----------



## meangirl

Bronwyn said:


> (for all the catholics)
> 
> Jesus Mary and Joseph!!


 
 My grandma said that all the time!


----------



## FireBrand

meangirl said:


> There's no fool like an old fool.


 
Young Whippersnapper


----------



## toppick08

GWguy said:


> Yeah, YOU TOO!!!!  I've been to Baltimore and back and find you guys right where I left you at 9am.....



You bring back my Ranger bass boat.??


----------



## GWguy

toppick08 said:


> You bring back my Ranger bass boat.??



Check the Filled the Duelly tread in ChitChat...


----------



## RoseRed

You are what you eat.


----------



## Bronwyn

Break a leg


----------



## Bronwyn

Talking out your azz 'cause your mouth knows better.


----------



## FireBrand

Always use tasteful words. You may have to eat them


----------



## meangirl

All that glitters is not gold


----------



## RoseRed

Vengeance is mine.


----------



## meangirl

RoseRed said:


> Vengeance is mine.


 
I like that one!


----------



## Bronwyn

RoseRed said:


> Vengeance is mine.



Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.....

If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy


----------



## meangirl

I'm off like a old dirty shirt.


----------



## FireBrand

Friends don't let friends drink light beer


----------



## clevalley

I am dog di#$ed tired...


----------



## toppick08

Bronwyn said:


> Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.....
> 
> If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy


----------



## RoseRed

Clean your plate!  Think of all the starving children in China.


----------



## RoseRed

meangirl said:


> I'm off like a old dirty shirt.



Off like a Prom dress.


----------



## Bronwyn

Because I said so....


----------



## RoseRed

Make like a tree and leave.


----------



## FireBrand

RoseRed said:


> Clean your plate! Think of all the starving children in China.


 
Always wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident !


----------



## meangirl

All's fair in love and war.


----------



## RoseRed

Like, gag me with a spoon or pitch me with a fork!


----------



## RoseRed

Always clean your ears.  You don't want anyone to know that the elephant got into the strawberry patch.


----------



## clevalley

RoseRed said:


> Clean your plate!  Think of all the starving children in China.



 - my wife as a kid got an envelope one night and scraped her plate off in it and sealed it.  I think she was like 13 or so...

Her momma whooped her azz!!!


----------



## Bronwyn

People in Hell want ice water too.


----------



## GWguy

Once burned, twice shy.

Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.


----------



## clevalley

meangirl said:


> All's fair in love and war.



Make love not war...


----------



## RoseRed

clevalley said:


> - my wife as a kid got an envelope one night and scraped her plate off in it and sealed it.  I think she was like 13 or so...
> 
> Her momma whooped her azz!!!


----------



## RoseRed

Save water, shower with a friend.


----------



## FireBrand

"If you come to a fork in the road, take it." (Yogi Berra)


----------



## meangirl

Colder than a witches tit.


----------



## toppick08

RoseRed said:


> Save water, shower with a friend.


----------



## Bronwyn

Measure twice, cut once (Thanks Bob Villa )


----------



## RoseRed

Don't ever put bubbles in the hot tub.


----------



## FireBrand

Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement


----------



## GWguy

RoseRed said:


> Don't ever put bubbles in the hot tub.



...and you speak from experience???  I've done that more than once.  Lots of fun!


----------



## RoseRed

GWguy said:


> ...and you speak from experience???  I've done that more than once.  Lots of fun!


----------



## FireBrand

As Pig Headed as a Mule


----------



## Etred101

Wouldn't want to be a member of a club that would have me in it.

I deny the allegation and I deny the alligator.  

I never drink water, fish f___ in it.


----------



## Etred101

What a way to spend a Saturday evening.
.... not a quote, I really mean what a way to spend a Saturday evening.  At least there is beer.


----------



## FireBrand

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion


----------



## Inkpen

A few from an old family friend from Maine:

1. Slicker than deer guts on a doorknob.

2. (A point about how sharp wood carving tools are)
....Mr. Man, if it ain't sharp enough to shave with, it ain't sharp enough to carve with.

3. Mr. Man, you got enough room in there to put a moose  in with its legs unfolded.
(reference to how much room there was in a mans pick up truck with a cap on it.)

All from Mr. Merril..died 30 years ago...and quite a character from Down East Maine.


----------



## limblips

That SMIB is as free from brains as a frog is from feathers.

That SMIB's brain would rattle around in a gnat's a** like a BB in a boxcar.


----------



## meangirl

limblips said:


> That SMIB is as free from brains as a frog is from feathers.
> 
> That SMIB's brain would rattle around in a gnat's a** like a BB in a boxcar.


 
What is a SMIB?


----------



## meangirl

Inkpen said:


> A few from an old family friend from Maine:
> 
> 1. Slicker than deer guts on a doorknob.
> 
> 2. (A point about how sharp wood carving tools are)
> ....Mr. Man, if it ain't sharp enough to shave with, it ain't sharp enough to carve with.
> 
> 3. Mr. Man, you got enough room in there to put a moose in with its legs unfolded.
> (reference to how much room there was in a mans pick up truck with a cap on it.)
> 
> All from Mr. Merril..died 30 years ago...and quite a character from Down East Maine.


 
Have I told you lately that I love you?


----------



## Inkpen

thank you...


----------



## Bronwyn

FireBrand said:


> As Pig Headed as a Mule



Shouldn't that be "Stubborn as a mule"?


----------



## FireBrand

Bronwyn said:


> Shouldn't that be "Stubborn as a mule"?


 


Behind every cloud is a silver lining


----------



## godsbutterfly

When a child is mouthing off:

You know if I wanted a Smart Ass I'd send a Donkey to College!


----------



## BS Gal

From the days in the Bay area when they were conserving water:

If it's yellow, let it mellow
If it's brown, flush it down.


----------



## smilin

meangirl said:


> What is a SMIB?



The term started when people thought that there was no way people down here could possibly as be stupid as their actions.
So they came to the conclusion that they must all be:
*S*outhern*M*aryland*I*n*B*red

Which has become a quick way to lose your teeth when speaking to the wrong
*SMIB*.


----------



## Kain99

Go pick your switch.  I hated that one!


----------



## FireBrand

Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades


----------



## Bronwyn

Close but no cigar


----------



## FireBrand

Bless your little pea pickin heart


----------



## Bronwyn

FireBrand said:


> Bless your little pea pickin heart


----------



## Roberta

Never look a gift horse in the mouth.


----------



## FireBrand

A Cognac Taste on a Beer Budget


----------



## Roberta

FireBrand said:


> Young Whippersnapper



Your'e still wet behind the ears


----------



## Roberta

meangirl said:


> I'm off like a old dirty shirt.



Make like a tree and leave


----------



## FireBrand

Make like a banana and split


----------



## Roberta

It beats a sharp stick in the eye.


----------



## FireBrand

I'm Plum Tuckered Out !

later


----------



## Bronwyn

Crack Kills


----------



## toppick08

Bent like a dog's dick.


----------



## Bronwyn

toppick08 said:


> Bent like a dog's dick.


----------



## toppick08

Bronwyn said:


>




You never heard that saying before?


----------



## Bronwyn

toppick08 said:


> You never heard that saying before?



Can't say that I have.


----------



## toppick08

I got my ears lowered.(haircut)


----------



## Larry Gude

*Lol!!!*



Toreadoralpha said:


> My Mom's fav!
> 
> I ain't been this happy since the pigs ate my little brother!


----------



## toppick08

You ain't just  Dixie!


----------



## Larry Gude

*...*

Better to be pizzed off than pizzed on.


----------



## toppick08

Larry Gude said:


> Better to be pizzed off than pizzed on.


----------



## toppick08

*RIP Dizzy Dean*

"It ain't braggin', if you can do it"


----------



## clevalley

*After being called an a-hole...*

I would rather be an a-hole than a whole-ass...


----------



## clevalley

*When someone asks the obvious YES ?*

Can't remember is it was said but;

Is a frog's azz water-tight?


----------



## Toreadoralpha

He looks like a deer caught in the headlights!


----------



## Etred101

I'd rather be in Philadelphia.  WC Fields.  Ronald Reagan.


----------



## GWguy

There's no time like the Present

immediately followed by:

Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.


----------



## Dupontster

Well slap my ass and call me Judy....


----------



## virgovictoria

Don't piss in my ear and tell me it's raining outside!


----------



## toppick08

In honor of my nice lady.....meangirl

Get your mind, out of my gutter............


----------



## smilin

Everybody likes a piece of A**
But nobody likes an A**


----------



## Happygirl

Uglier than a mud fence

Dumber than a box of rocks

The blind leading the blind

Quiet as a mouse

Older than dirt


----------



## clevalley

toppick08 said:


> Bent like a dog's dick.



Crooked as an old mans dick


----------



## clevalley

Roberta said:


> Make like a tree and leave





FireBrand said:


> Make like a banana and split



Make like a baby and head out


----------



## camily

Closer than nuts on a dog.


----------



## camily

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.


----------



## camily

Not smart enough to pour piss out of a boot.


----------



## Etred101

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.


----------



## toppick08

Ya'll come back now....ya' heah.


----------



## toppick08

What it is, what it was, and what it shall be.


----------



## GWguy

toppick08 said:


> What it is, what it was, and what it shall be.



It is what it is.


----------



## FireBrand

Blind in one eye and can't see out of the other


----------



## FireBrand

Can't live with them and can't live without them


----------



## godsbutterfly

Right before spanking a child: This is going to hurt me more a lot more than it is you!


----------



## FireBrand

Robbing Peter to pay Paul


----------



## FireBrand

All roads lead to Rome


----------



## godsbutterfly

The other man's grass may look a whole lot greener but somebody still has to weed and cut it!

Stop that crying or I'll give you a good reason for it.


----------



## toppick08

godsbutterfly said:


> The other man's grass may look a whole lot greener but somebody still has to weed and cut it!
> 
> Stop that crying or I'll give you a good reason for it.


----------



## FireBrand

Children should be seen and not heard


----------



## This_person

If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.


----------



## FireBrand

Bright eyed and bushy tailed


----------



## mainman

"Keep it down in there, yall are making more noise than 2 skeletons ####ing on a tin roof, using a beercan for a rubber"...


----------



## Etred101

toppick08 said:


> Ya'll come back now....ya' heah.



Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed
Poor mountaineer barely kept his family fed
Then one day he was shooting for some food,
And up through the ground come a bubbling crude
(Oil that is, black gold, Texas tea)

Well the first thing you know old Jed's a millionaire
Kin folk said Jed move away from there
Said California is the place you oughta be
So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly
(Hills that is, swimming pools, movie stars)

Well now it's time to say goodbye to Jed and all his kin
They would like to thank you folks for kindly dropping in
You're all invited back again to this locality
To have a heaping helping of their hospitality
(Beverly Hillbillies, that's what they call 'em now, 
Nice folks Y'all come back now, ya hear?)


----------



## FireBrand

Can't see the forest for the trees


----------



## clevalley

Was over at a farm this afternoon and something happened to one of th tractors - he said (one of my favorites);

Jesus-Tap-Dancing-Christ!


----------



## toppick08

Let 'er rip, 'tater chip....


----------



## Bronwyn

Aye Carumba


----------



## toppick08

Bronwyn said:


> Aye Carumba





Get some sleep, young lady.......


----------



## toppick08

He/She's so tight, they sqeak.


----------



## Inthewoods

His breath smells like a sh1t salesman with a mouth full of samples.


----------



## whome20603

the proof is in the puddin'


----------



## camily

whome20603 said:


> the proof is in the puddin'



You like puddin'?  followed by.....
Puddin' up with me? or Puddin' it to me?


----------



## toppick08

camily said:


> You like puddin'?  followed by.....
> Puddin' up with me? or Puddin' it to me?



Shaky Puddin'.........

Google it.


----------



## camily

toppick08 said:


> Shaky Puddin'.........
> 
> Google it.



1. shaky puddin'  8 thumbs up  

 n. (vulgar slang) The vulva or vagina; nubile females targeted for fornication

1) "Hell, JoeCool - let's step inside the club and try to hook up with some of this fine shaky puddin'!"


----------



## toppick08

camily said:


> 1. shaky puddin'  8 thumbs up
> 
> n. (vulgar slang) The vulva or vagina; nubile females targeted for fornication
> 
> 1) "Hell, JoeCool - let's step inside the club and try to hook up with some of this fine shaky puddin'!"



Burt Renoylds would be proud.........


----------



## HouseCat

Heard this one around Grandma's house a lot.. lol

"You don't know $hit from Shinola!"  (an old brand of shoe polish)


----------



## toppick08

HouseCat said:


> Heard this one around Grandma's house a lot.. lol
> 
> "You don't know $hit from Shinola!"  (an old brand of shoe polish)


----------



## toppick08

Weak as branch water.


----------



## Southern Belle

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…


----------



## toppick08

Southern Belle said:


> Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…


----------



## nachomama

Not reading through all these pages...but my grandma used to say

- What don't kill you makes you stronger

- Don't piss in my eye and tell me it's rain...


----------



## showqueen74

I see, said the blind man to the deaf dog.


----------



## camily

showqueen74 said:


> I see, said the blind man to the deaf dog.



I always heard it as,"Said the blind man to his deaf wife, as he picked up his hammer and saw."


----------



## outlawrc

Alcohol was made so ugly people could get laid


----------



## outlawrc

That guy/gal could fall in a pile of shiat and come out smelling like roses.


----------



## GWguy

camily said:


> I always heard it as,"Said the blind man to his deaf wife, as he picked up his hammer and saw."



See post #259....


----------



## camily

GWguy said:


> See post #259....



What? There is no lame man in my saying? Also, mine was about a blind man and his deaf wife. Not two guys. I see no similarity. Hrmph.


----------



## GWguy

camily said:


> What? There is no lame man in my saying? Also, mine was about a blind man and his deaf wife. Not two guys. I see no similarity. Hrmph.



  sorry, my bad.


----------



## nachomama

GWguy said:


> sorry, my bad.



That's not an old time saying.


----------



## clevalley

I saw it (my bad) in New Time Sayings   This tread is off the hook!  - oops - New Time Saying


----------



## toppick08

clevalley said:


> I saw it (my bad) in New Time Sayings   This tread is off the hook!  - oops - New Time Saying


----------



## clevalley

Beauty is skin deep, bug ugly is down to the bone...


----------



## camily

clevalley said:


> I saw it (my bad) in New Time Sayings   This tread is off the hook!  - oops - New Time Saying



Word.


----------



## PrchJrkr

One boy's a whole boy, 2 boy's a half a boy, and 3 boy's tain't no boy at all...


----------



## camily

PrchJrkr said:


> One boy's a whole boy, 2 boy's a half a boy, and 3 boy's tain't no boy at all...



I don't get it.


----------



## Etred101

clevalley said:


> Beauty is skin deep, bug ugly is down to the bone...


Another Fred Sanford quote


----------



## Bronwyn

Blushing Bride


----------



## Etred101

PrchJrkr said:


> One boy's a whole boy, 2 boy's a half a boy, and 3 boy's tain't no boy at all...



Old d'bacca farming quote.  Hire one boy and you get a boy's days work. Two boys.... etc.


----------



## clevalley

camily said:


> I don't get it.



One boy will work... two boys will half work and half play... three boys, to hell with getting anything done!


----------



## FireBrand

"Don't get saucy with me, Bernaise ! "


----------



## godsbutterfly

Keep your nose to the grindstone & your shoulder to the wheel.


----------



## RoseRed

*A favorite in my household...*

Practice Makes Perfect!


----------



## clevalley

Use some elbow grease!


----------



## meangirl

Use it or lose it.


----------



## godsbutterfly

Cleanliness is next to Godliness!


----------



## meangirl

A mind is a terrible thing to waste.


----------



## RoseRed

YouTube - Rachel Leigh Cook-Anti Drug


----------



## Etred101

RoseRed said:


> YouTube - Rachel Leigh Cook-Anti Drug



Wow.  The real Pan Lady.


----------



## RoseRed

*SMOW*


----------



## godsbutterfly

Stop crossing your eyes before your face gets stuck that way!


----------



## trailtoy

Not an old saying, just a great quote.  Imagine an old gravelly voiced steamfitter: "She's got legs just like I like 'em, feet on one end and p*ssy on the other."


----------



## godsbutterfly

If I want your opinion I'll ask for it!

If I want your opinion I'll give it to you!

If I want your opinion I'll beat it out of you!


----------



## godsbutterfly

There's a fine line between bravery and insanity.  or:

There's a fine line between love and hate.


----------



## FireBrand

Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep 'til noon


----------



## GWguy

meangirl said:


> A mind is a terrible thing to waste.



Or, if you work for the Sanitation Dept...

Waste is a terrible thing to mind.


----------



## Bronwyn

GWguy said:


> Or, if you work for the Sanitation Dept...
> 
> Waste is a terrible thing to mind.



Orrrrr, if you work for the Sanitation Dept...

"How was your day, honey?"
"shiatty"


----------



## clevalley

trailtoy said:


> Not an old saying, just a great quote.  Imagine an old gravelly voiced steamfitter: "She's got legs just like I like 'em, feet on one end and p*ssy on the other."



Kind of like;

Women's legs are the longest things on Earth; the bottoms touch the ground and the tops go all the way to Heaven!


----------



## toppick08

clevalley said:


> Kind of like;
> 
> Women's legs are the longest things on Earth; the bottoms touch the ground and the tops go all the way to Heaven!


----------



## Etred101

There are no stupid questions.... only stupid people.


----------



## Etred101

I wouldn't kill a snake that tried to slither out of .... [name of place]


----------



## FireBrand

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done


----------



## RoseRed

FireBrand said:


> After all is said and done, usually more is said than done



Amen.


----------



## Toreadoralpha

You're starting to make sense, time to up my meds.


----------



## Bronwyn

Like shootin' fish in a barrel.


----------



## calamity jane

toppick08 said:


> Finer than frog hair.



_the rest of it--_ 
    Split 4 ways


----------



## calamity jane

Little pitchers have big ears


----------



## toppick08

Kicks like a mule....(sorry horsey folks)..


----------



## calamity jane

If you drove for "shnit", you wouldn't get a smell


----------



## FireBrand

Fact is stranger than fiction


----------



## sux2b44

*old tyme sayings*

I just had to add these for laughs -

Up your nose with a rubber hose!!!!

D YYYYYYY NNN OOOOOO MIIIIIITE!!!!!!!!!

Say Wwwwaaaaaaaa!!!!


----------



## usagent

I'd eat the peanuts out of her Shait to get close to that azz.


----------



## FireBrand

Mediocrity thrives on standardization


----------



## Rael

If ______ jumped off the Brooklyn bridge, would you?


----------



## meangirl

I'll slap you to the back side of no where.


----------



## sux2b44

They throw so bad they couldnt hit the broad side of a barn.


----------



## meangirl

He's lower than a snake's belly


----------



## jetmonkey

http://www.fortunecity.com/lavendar/thundercrack/224/metric.wav


----------



## meangirl

jetmonkey said:


> http://www.fortunecity.com/lavendar/thundercrack/224/metric.wav


 
Nothing showed up but their logo...


----------



## sux2b44

meangirl said:


> Nothing showed up but their logo...



I just thought it was me doing something wrong.


----------



## clevalley

The end justifies the means...


----------



## meangirl

Grinning like a jackass in a cactus patch.


----------



## Rael

meangirl said:


> Nothing showed up but their logo...



Never heard of that one.


----------



## meangirl

Rael said:


> Never heard of that one.


----------



## godsbutterfly

"You would if you really loved me."


----------



## nosey

"Go to war Miss Agnes!" Where did that come from?
Geezy, Peezy.


----------



## sinwagon

I don't know if these have been said but here goes....

Don't put the cart before the horse
Rode hard and hung up wet
Hotter than a $2.00 whore
God looks out for drunks and little children

And my grandmother says to every bad situation "Bless their little hearts"


----------



## Etred101

C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre.


----------



## godsbutterfly

Etred101 said:


> C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre.



C'est Francise! Je t'adore!


----------



## Etred101

godsbutterfly said:


> C'est Francise! Je t'adore!


O' la la...


----------



## clevalley

Etred101 said:


> C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre.





godsbutterfly said:


> C'est Francise! Je t'adore!




WTF?  -  Dual purpose - response to above and old time saying!


----------



## clevalley

Eff le français, qu'ont-ils fait pour le monde?


----------



## Etred101

clevalley said:


> Eff le français, qu'ont-ils fait pour le monde?


Un petite pu, mais il y a longtemps.
I am feeling that the forum is about blow a gasket over this franglaise...


----------



## sux2b44

Now we are french??????


----------



## nosey

lower than a whale sh-- in the ocean


----------



## nosey

subtle as a tu-- in a punch bowl!


----------



## meangirl

nosey said:


> subtle as a tu-- in a punch bowl!


 
I've never heard that one before.


----------



## godsbutterfly

Dressed to impress.
Happy as a lark.
It takes two to tango.


----------



## Etred101

Gone fishin...


----------



## Etred101

There are no free lunches....


----------



## clevalley

Be there or be square!


----------



## Etred101

I love it when she walks away from me --- like two bulldogs 
fighting under a rug.


----------



## FireBrand

One of my favorites:


Na Na - Na Na Na Na


----------



## RoseRed

boogers!


----------



## FireBrand

It takes one to know one


----------



## FireBrand

A few more.
Sophisticated and effective !

Cry Baby 
Poopy Pants 
Droopy Drawers 
Fraidy Cat


----------



## Etred101

... taste reminds me of wild hickory nuts.


----------



## Etred101

"I can bring home the bacon .... (chime in)


----------



## godsbutterfly

Etred101 said:


> "I can bring home the bacon .... (chime in)



Fry it up in a Pan...And never never let you forget you're a man....'cuz I'm a woman...Enjolie"

Why are we doing commercials now?


----------



## SLIM

Don't know his azz from a hole in the ground.
Pay backs are a bich.
Don't have a pot to piss in, nor a window to throw it out of.
Hindsight is 20/20.
6 of one, half a dozen of another.
Don't break your arm pattin' yourself on the back.
I'll dance at your weddin'
It'll be all better before you get married.
I knew you before you were a twinkle in your mother's eye.


----------



## Etred101

godsbutterfly said:


> Fry it up in a Pan...And never never let you forget you're a man....'cuz I'm a woman...Enjolie"
> 
> Why are we doing commercials now?


Good point.
Missed a good opportunity to remain silent.


----------



## BuddyLee

Hmmm...an old time saying...

"Til death do us part" nah.

"However long love shall last."


----------



## meangirl

Etred101 said:


> "I can bring home the bacon .... (chime in)


 
...fry it up in a pan...


----------



## toppick08

The whole Book of Proverbs.


----------



## clevalley

My son read this on the bathroom wall at McKay's this evening and wanted me to post it on his behalf;

Satisfaction is the Death of Desire


----------



## toppick08

Life's a biatch, then you die.


----------



## FireBrand

Reality's the only obstacle to happiness


----------



## clevalley

toppick08 said:


> Life's a biatch, then you marry one, then you die.



:fixed:


----------



## greyhound

"There's more than one way to skin a cat."

You would not believe the number of people that don't know what this means or what it is refering to.


----------



## FireBrand

The squeaky wheel gets the grease


----------



## Rael

Hot enough for ya?



Just heard that one on a Superbowl commercial, along with "what do I know, I'm just an 800 pound gorilla in the room"


----------



## chernmax

Better to be thought a fool, than open your mouth and remove all taught...

Life is tough, it's tougher if you're stupid...

God loves you, everyone else thinks you're an a$$hole...


----------



## sux2b44

nail your balls to the wall

LOL - I so hate that it is so yesterday!!!


----------



## chernmax

Greatest upset of all time...  So true today...





Go Giants...


----------



## toppick08

chernmax said:


> Better to be thought a fool, than open your mouth and remove all taught...
> 
> Life is tough, it's tougher if you're stupid...
> 
> God loves you, everyone else thinks you're an a$$hole...



Life's a biatch, then you die.


----------



## Etred101

a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.


----------



## Kain99

Go soak your head!


----------



## RoseRed

Mind over matter.


----------



## clevalley

Talking out of your azz again?


----------



## Kain99

I have a friend who says.... "Talking outta your neck!"


----------



## GWguy

toppick08 said:


> Life's a biatch, then you die.



Life's a biatch.

Then you marry one.

THEN you die.


----------



## GWguy

clevalley said:


> :fixed:



  Missed it... never thought anyone else in the world used that except me !!


----------



## camily

Around your elbow to get to your ass.


----------



## Etred101

Etred101 said:


> a _*RoseRed*_ by any other name would smell as sweet.


IMHO


----------



## FireBrand

I'm not FOR apathy, and I'm not AGAINST it.


----------



## GWguy

"Thank God I'm an atheist"


----------



## godsbutterfly

If you aren't part of the solution you're part of the problem.
It takes love to make a house a home.
Any man can be a Father but it takes someone special to be a Daddy.
Friends are the Flowers in the Garden of Life.
Life is what happens to you while you're not paying attention!


----------



## FireBrand

Today is Only Yesterday's Tomorrow


----------



## clevalley

When it's really crowded;

It's A-Holes to Elbows in here!


----------



## Kain99

Get the switch lil girl! Yikes!!!


----------



## clevalley

FireBrand said:


> Today is Only Yesterday's Tomorrow



Tomorrow never comes.


----------



## Kain99

kumbyya


----------



## Etred101

FireBrand said:


> Today is Only Yesterday's Tomorrow


Live in the moment, for tomorrow you may die.


----------



## Etred101

clevalley said:


> When it's really crowded;
> 
> It's A-Holes to Elbows in here!



Up to my a... in alligators.


----------



## PsyOps

It aint said until someone says it.

Did someone already say this one?   :shrug:


----------



## Kain99

Tan your hide!


----------



## luvscats

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. - Mom


----------



## FireBrand

Take my advice, don't listen to me !


----------



## godsbutterfly

God gave us two ears and one mouth so we could listen twice as much as we speak!


----------



## luvscats

Some days this is soooo true....



Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.


----------



## greyhound

This is one I hate...and now my hubby has picked it up as his favorite saying...

"Shut your pie hole"


----------



## meangirl

I scream, you scream...we all scream for ice cream.


----------



## mainman

Rubber Balls and Liquor.


----------



## Kain99

mainman said:


> Rubber Balls and Liquor.



Did ya see post #612?


----------



## mainman

Kain99 said:


> Did ya see post #612?


Your friend sounds goofy...


----------



## chaotic

[when referring to something that is patently ridiculous]

That is for the birds!


----------



## jazz lady

I'm sure somebody has said this but I'm living it...

When it rains, it POURS.


----------



## BuddyLee

*old time sayings...*

Anything Ken King says.


----------



## jazz lady

BuddyLee said:


> Anything Ken King says.



You forgot the  and  with that.  

 to my long lost lapdance buddy.


----------



## BuddyLee

jazz lady said:


> You forgot the  and  with that.
> 
> to my long lost lapdance buddy.


I missed you at the latest lunch.


----------



## jazz lady

BuddyLee said:


> I missed you at the latest lunch.



Damn, if I would have known you'd be there, I would have moved heaven and earth to get there.


----------



## BuddyLee

jazz lady said:


> Damn, if I would have known you'd be there, I would have moved heaven and earth to get there.


I was going for the surprise.

It matters not, I felt your presence in my Thai.  It had that electrifying kick.


----------



## jazz lady

BuddyLee said:


> I was going for the surprise.


But I missed out.  



> It matters not, I felt your presence in my Thai.  It had that electrifying kick.


  I'm sure it did.  That spicy feeling was definitely me.


----------



## chernmax

Two things men cannot beat woman at, Love and Revenge...


----------



## Etred101

chernmax said:


> Two things men cannot beat woman at, Love and Revenge...



Revenge is a dish best served cold.


----------



## MoochCat

Never spit into the wind...


----------



## chernmax

When in a hole you cannot get out of, stop digging!!!


----------



## GWguy

Do as I say!  Not as I do!


----------



## chernmax

The woman who tells her age is either too young to have anything to lose or too old to have anything to gain. 


The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.


----------



## mizteresa1965

MoochCat said:


> Never spit into the wind...



Never pizz into the wind.......


----------



## godsbutterfly

Life sucks - Grab a straw!
Who ever told you life was gonna be fair?
Many a truth is spoken in jest.
Marry in haste - regret in leisure.


----------



## clevalley

Going out on a limb


----------



## FireBrand

Count your blessings, not your problems


----------



## meangirl

rode hard and put away wet.


----------



## FireBrand

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end


----------



## Etred101

godsbutterfly said:


> C'est Francise! Je t'adore!



"Cherchez la femme."  (Look for the Woman.)
Elementary my dear Watson!


----------



## godsbutterfly

To err is human - to forgive is divine

OR:  To err is human - but some folks just got way too much human in them!


----------



## jazz lady

godsbutterfly said:


> To err is human - to forgive is divine
> 
> OR:  To err is human - but some folks just got way too much human in them!



  I like another version:  "To err is human, but to really eff things up, you need a computer."


----------



## ~mellabella~

It's hotter than a hooker on nickle night!


----------



## godsbutterfly

jazz lady said:


> I like another version:  "To err is human, but to really eff things up, you need a computer."



Amen to that!


----------



## toppick08

*On that note*



~mellabella~ said:


> It's hotter than a hooker on nickle night!



Have a friend who, if he hears you complaining about an aching body part...

"It'll be all right, just go home and soak it-in-cider(side..her)"...


----------



## godsbutterfly

When all else fails read the directions!

"All my men wear English Leather or they wear nothing at all!" (Commercial time again!)


----------



## toppick08

godsbutterfly said:


> When all else fails read the directions!
> 
> "All my men wear English Leather or they wear nothing at all!" (Commercial time again!)





Where you been hiding?


----------



## Etred101

"Fear beer!"

Ok maybe it was just me that said it in the 80's.


----------



## FireBrand

As nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs


----------



## Etred101

Tis an ill wind that blows no good.


----------



## Etred101

"Mmm mmm Granny's makin possum... you know what the thing about poss'm is - it's jes as good the second day!"
Jed Clampet


----------



## clevalley

*To answer YES to the obvious...*

Does a Hobby Horse have a wooden diack?

Does Howdy Doody have a wooden diack?


----------



## Etred101

Might be flies on some o' you guys but there ain't no flies on me!


----------



## GWguy

godsbutterfly said:


> When all else fails read the directions!



RTFM  (Read The F'ing Manual)


----------



## toppick08

GWguy said:


> RTFM  (Read The F'ing Manual)



SOS


----------



## clevalley

godsbutterfly said:


> When all else fails read the directions!
> 
> "All my men wear English Leather or they wear nothing at all!" (Commercial time again!)





GWguy said:


> RTFM  (Read The F'ing Manual)



Real men don't need directions! (no dig on you GW )


----------



## GWguy

clevalley said:


> Real men don't need directions! (no dig on you GW )



You're right.  That's what real men say to others....


----------



## greyhound

This is one my MIL says when its hot in the house...

"It's close in here"


----------



## FireBrand

just gimme' dat ol' time religion


----------



## godsbutterfly

If you hope for nothing you try for nothing and if you try for nothing you get nothing.


----------



## Etred101

Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  A Lincoln

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me -- you cant get fooled again.  GW Bush


----------



## Mateo

Daylight's wastin'
PITA- Pain in the a**


----------



## Etred101

Good judgment comes from experience.  Experience comes from bad judgment.


----------



## Etred101

Any landing which you can walk away from is a good landing.


----------



## godsbutterfly

Any day above ground is a good one!

Crazy yes - stupid no!

Drive it like you stole it.


----------



## FireBrand

If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed


----------



## Etred101

Damn the torpedos - *full speed ahead!*


----------



## Etred101

Etred101 said:


> Damn the torpedos - full speed ahead!


Can you give me warp factor 9 Scotty?


----------



## FireBrand

Etred101 said:


> Can you give me warp factor 9 Scotty?


 
aye capn, she can't take too much more !
It's lighting up like the aroura borialis down here !


----------



## jazz lady

Beam me up, Scotty - there's no intelligent life here.


----------



## godsbutterfly

So, who lit the fuse on your tampon?


----------



## FireBrand

Etred101 said:


> Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.


 
Experience is what you get when you did'nt get what you wanted !


----------



## FireBrand

Bend Me, Shape Me, Anyway You Want Me....


----------



## FireBrand

Shaken, not Stirred


----------



## Etred101

FireBrand said:


> Experience is what you get when you did'nt get what you wanted !



Oh yeah!
Better late than never!


----------



## Etred101

FireBrand said:


> Shaken, not Stirred



I believe he got the point...
(use after shooting someone with a harpoon.)


----------



## Etred101

jazz lady said:


> Beam me up, Scotty - there's no intelligent life here.


----------



## Etred101

Nuts.  
(use in reponse to an offer of unconditional surrender.  Bastone 1944)


----------



## cwo_ghwebb

For Pete's sake! (just who is Pete?)

Jesus H. Christ! (what was Jesus' middle name?)

Gee Jehosophat! (who was Jeshosophat?)

Hey azzhole, get in here for dinner! (thought my name was azzhole until my confirmation bible let me know otherwise)


----------



## toppick08

cwo_ghwebb said:


> For Pete's sake! (just who is Pete?)
> 
> Jesus H. Christ! (what was Jesus' middle name?)
> 
> Gee Jehosophat! (who was Jeshosophat?)
> 
> Hey azzhole, get in here for dinner! (thought my name was azzhole until my confirmation bible let me know otherwise)


----------



## Aa3rt

cwo_ghwebb said:


> Gee Jehosophat! (who was Jeshosophat?)



I'd always heard this one as "Jumping Jehosophat". Jehosophat was a Biblical king (Check 1 Kings 22 in your confirmation Bible). 

More on the phrase here.


----------



## Kyle

"Are you high?"


----------



## toppick08

For us locals.


Does your truck have a 350 intoit ?


----------



## toppick08

He/She could eff up a wet dream.....


----------



## SLIM

To most of you MEN....
You're thinking with the wrong head.....again!

Revenge: Expect it when you LEAST expect it

You can't always get what you want 

You made your bed now lie in it

I've got no where else to go but UP!


----------



## camily

C0ck block


----------



## toppick08

camily said:


> C0ck block


----------



## camily

toppick08 said:


>



:shrug: What?


----------



## clevalley

camily said:


> C0ck block





C0ck knock him - that will fix him!


----------



## Rael

That will go over like...

a fart in church


----------



## clevalley

Rael said:


> That will go over like...
> 
> a fart in church



... a turd in a punch bowl


----------



## Rael

"How big a boy are ya?"

"I'm a open up a can of whoop ass"

Roy D. Mercer


----------



## clevalley

toppick08 said:


> For us locals.
> 
> 
> Does your truck have a 350 intoit ?



Na - I gotta 6 liter init...


----------



## toppick08

clevalley said:


> Na - I gotta 6 liter init...



:jealous:


----------



## daisycreek

my grandmothers favorite---->  "gonna skin you alive"


and :

If "if's" and "ands" were pots and pans there would be no use for kettles


----------



## FireBrand

It works better if you plug it in


----------



## Etred101

Careful what you wish for....


----------



## Rael

so it's a repeat...

like a hobo on a ham sandwich


----------



## rwethereyet

Does a bear poo-poo in the woods?

Does a chicken have lips?


----------



## teenageddirtbag

Like Throwing A Hot Dog Down A Hallway!!!


----------



## Number_9

You can tell he's lying because his lips are moving


----------



## CraneTaker77

fine as frog hair, and thats pretty damn fine

You ain't as green as you are cabbage looking.

Rare as hens teeth

he's so cheap, he'd fart on rock and save the grease


----------



## frozenrain

found it!


----------



## JustJade

*How bout these?*

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.

and..

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal labotomy.


----------



## Rael

Amazing, this tread pretty much stayed on topic, too.  Good tread.


----------



## otter

Rael said:


> Amazing, this tread pretty much stayed on topic, too.  Good tread.



How bout them Redskins?


----------



## Rael

otter said:


> How bout them Redskins?


That'll do it... and perfect timing


----------



## RoseRed

otter said:


> How bout them 49ers?


----------



## frozenrain

JustJade said:


> Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.
> 
> and..
> 
> I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal labotomy.



Yes My mum used to say that all the time.


----------



## amyinmd

Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or hump it, piss on it and walk away.


----------



## clevalley

Rael said:


> Amazing, this tread pretty much stayed on topic, too.  Good tread.





 Rael!


----------



## frozenrain

you are the bees knees   -good perfect


Living the life of Riley -having a great life doing as you please

Mad as a hatter-crazy  believed to be from the days hat makers used toxic materials in their hat...


Peeping Tom- spying on people for mainly sexual  purposes.

Mind you own beeswax-mind your own business-supposed to be from days where ladies carried it around to hide small pox blemishes and scars...


Raining cats and dogs-heavy rain


It really gets my goat- something annoys you


Scuttlebutt-gossip derived from old sailing ships where the sailors used to meet to drink and talk.....


----------



## kldavis21

My dad used to say these all the time:

Put an egg in your shoe and beat it

Make like a tree and leave

Make like a banana and split


----------



## bugstang76

shes got a face like a bag full of smashed azzholes

Dont sweat the petty things....just pet the sweaty things..


----------



## keekee

My Mom's from England, and one of her favorites when we were kids was:
(must be said in an angry voice)...

"I'll have your guts for garters!"

Kinda gross when you think about it!


----------



## frozenrain

keekee said:


> My Mom's from England, and one of her favorites when we were kids was:
> (must be said in an angry voice)...
> 
> "I'll have your guts for garters!"
> 
> Kinda gross when you think about it!



Oh crikey I forgot that one.Yes I heard that a lot too.Thankyou!!!


----------



## atrusomder

had to add some of my family favorites:

Colder than a well diggers' pecker
Hotter than Hades
If you sleep with dogs you get fleas

if walks like a duck, talks like a duck, then it's probably a duck!


----------



## FireBrand

Happier than a dog with two d....

I mean

Happier than a puppy with two weenies !


----------



## frozenrain

when you are doing the deed and someone or you thinks the other person is not into it you would say


your not lying there thinking of England ? or I am not lying here thinking Of England...



Do not ask what reminded me this morning...


----------



## frozenrain

"down in the dumps'


feeling sad  this must be universal saying?


----------



## frozenrain

You old teabag  - thief


Silly me I mean tealeaf not teabag !!!!


----------



## frozenrain

Red sky in the evening shepherds delight,red sky in the morning shepherds warning...

Just thought of this one as I looked out and noticed a rather pinkish sky and it is supposed to be stormy tonight....


----------



## Monello

I'll give you something to cry about!!!


----------



## Vince

6 bricks short of a load.
Blind squirrel finds a nut sometimes.


----------



## Monello

A day late and a dollar short


----------



## luvmygdaughters

Cold as a witches tit!!


----------



## Restless

My mom would often say "Jumpin' Moses" instead of wow or oh my gosh. 

When I was little she would ask "where was Moses when the lights went out?" Answer - in the dark. 

She would sometimes tell me, when I was being a bugger, to go play tag on the turnpike. 

She and my grandmother were ornery at times and would change the words to hymns to something silly or irreverent. 
The good old days for sure!


----------



## DEEKAYPEE8569

Monello said:


> I'll give you something to cry about!!!



Then yell at you to shut up.....


----------



## DEEKAYPEE8569

A 7-year-old tred......wonder if there are any redundancies.


----------



## Monello

When the cat's away, the mice will play.


----------



## b23hqb

Your mother and I brought you into this world, and we can sure take you out of it.

The only reason your mom and I allowed you kids many times to live is because of the grand kids we now enjoy.


----------



## b23hqb

Restless said:


> My mom would often say "Jumpin' Moses" instead of wow or oh my gosh.
> 
> When I was little she would ask "where was Moses when the lights went out?" Answer - in the dark.
> 
> She would sometimes tell me, when I was being a bugger, to go play tag on the turnpike.
> 
> She and my grandmother were ornery at times and would change the words to hymns to something silly or irreverent.
> The good old days for sure!



What did the Egyptians do when it got dark? They turned on the Israelites!


----------



## DEEKAYPEE8569

My Mom would say to my Brother, 'I hope one day you have kids that act just like you are acting now.' He has two boys that are his. Neither one was the way he was.....well not exactly like he was.


----------



## Bann

My Nana used to say "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!"  when she would get mad.


----------



## Restless

b23hqb said:


> What did the Egyptians do when it got dark? They turned on the Israelites!



Good one!


----------



## RPMDAD

Don't cut off your nose to spite your face


----------



## Blister

Pull my finger.


----------



## Monello

Haste makes waste.


----------



## PJay

Me ---> glass slips out of hand, shatters on floor

Step grandfather aka volcano----> when you get older I'm coming to your house and break your glasses....


----------



## BigBlue

"The older I get the smarter my parents get ."


----------



## PsyOps

"The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage." - Mark Russell


----------



## Forkian

I am looking for my INK PEN, NEWSPAPER and PAGER.  Then I will go DEVELOP my FILM.


----------



## keekee

Another one from my mom:
If you're running around but getting nothing done, you're "like a fart in a thunderstorm".


----------



## Monello

The hurryer I go, the behinder I get.


----------



## NextJen

You're cruisin' for a bruisin'.


----------



## PJay

I had to walk one hundred miles in a snow storm, barefoot and naked to get to school.


----------



## Forkian

Mom always said that laughter was the best medicine.

I guess thats why we were always sick.


----------



## DEEKAYPEE8569

Homesick said:


> I had to walk one hundred miles in a snow storm, barefoot and naked to get to school.



and uphill too, I bet.


----------



## DEEKAYPEE8569

"Go 'head, keep it up." "First thing _*you*_ know, _you won't know nothin'_." - Dad


----------



## Hodr

My mom was fond of "Bless your pointy little head".


----------



## DEEKAYPEE8569

Hodr said:


> My mom was fond of "Bless your pointy little head".



What about 'Well bless (his/her/your) heart.'


----------



## tipsymcgee

When surprised my grandmother would say either "Jesus Priest" or "What in the name of Sam Hill."  

If I was running around and wouldn't keep still, she'd say I had the "St. Vitus Dance," which I think is an actual old diagnosis for anxiousness or something.

And people with the DTs had "manoportia," another old slang medical term for people suffering from the DTs.


----------



## SoMDGirl42

shiat in one hand and wish in the other and see wish one fills up first

hurry up and wait

don't let your wants hurt

GO CHANGE THE CHANNEL


----------



## PrchJrkr

One boy's a whole boy,
two boys a half a boy,
and three boys, tain't no boy a'tall.


----------



## BigBlue

If you can't say anything nice , don't say anything at all !


----------



## GURPS

luvmygdaughters said:


> Cold as a witches tit!!





in a brass bra, in january


----------



## Monello

If all your friends jumped off the bridge..........


----------



## BigBlue

.......Back away from the TV , you'll go blind!


----------



## RPMDAD

Close the front door are you trying to air condition the whole neighborhood.


----------



## FireBrand

'Always wear clean underwear in case you're in a car accident'


----------



## PJay

Were you born in a barn?


----------



## Monello

Put an egg in your shoe and beat it.


----------



## vraiblonde

Homesick said:


> Were you born in a barn?



We always used to say "Were you raised by wolves?"


----------



## BigBlue

don’t run with scissors,


----------



## Monello

Are you a turtle?


----------



## GopherM

Harder than Superman's kneecap. (As a math problem or a task).


----------



## GopherM

He's got enough money to burn a wet mule.


----------



## BigBlue

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity


----------



## RPMDAD

Monello said:


> Are you a turtle?



You bet your sweet a$$ I am


----------



## GopherM

There's too many pages to read back through and this one may have been listed already, but...

          I'll give you something to cry about!


----------



## BigBlue

SHUT THE DOOR BEHIND YOU!!!I'm not paying to air condition the whole neighborhood!


----------



## GWguy

I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.


----------

