# Christmas humor



## jazz lady




----------



## jazz lady




----------



## jazz lady




----------



## jazz lady

And my personal favorite!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## jazz lady




----------



## jazz lady




----------



## jazz lady




----------



## jazz lady




----------



## This_person




----------



## This_person




----------



## This_person




----------



## Yooper

--- End of line (MCP)


----------



## jazz lady




----------



## jazz lady




----------



## jazz lady




----------



## jazz lady




----------



## Kyle




----------



## Kyle

Probably best to leave the wrapper on!


----------



## Kyle




----------



## Kyle




----------



## luvmygdaughters

Kyle said:


> View attachment 143538


----------



## Clem72

Didn't know what to get the wife for Christmas, so I checked her google search history for inspiration. 

Found the perfect thing.


----------



## This_person




----------



## This_person




----------



## This_person

_Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. “In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.” 

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?” The man replied, “They’re Carols”_


----------



## This_person

_Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Nothing was stirring, not even a mouse.

I should have bought a carbon monoxide alarm._


----------



## This_person

_What Christmas song do they play at the psychiatrist’s office?

Do you hear what I hear…_


----------



## This_person




----------



## Kyle




----------



## jazz lady




----------



## jazz lady




----------



## Kyle




----------



## jazz lady




----------



## RoseRed




----------



## jazz lady




----------



## jazz lady

Thanks (?) to @Gilligan for this little gem.


----------



## jazz lady




----------



## jazz lady




----------



## jazz lady




----------



## stgislander

And for our Jewish friends...


----------



## jazz lady




----------



## Kyle

Good thing they caught him before he got to the cucumbers!


----------



## Grumpy

...


----------



## Kyle




----------



## Yooper

--- End of line (MCP)


----------



## Kyle




----------



## Grumpy

...


----------



## This_person




----------



## This_person




----------



## Kyle




----------



## NextJen

Kyle said:


> View attachment 143732


You should use paper like this


----------



## frequentflier




----------



## Kyle




----------



## Kyle




----------



## Merlin99

Kyle said:


> View attachment 143828


Look ma, I'm an angel, no, I'm a star


----------



## Tech

Kyle said:


> View attachment 143828


Yule cat checking to see if anybody didn't get clothes.


----------



## Kyle




----------



## Kyle




----------



## otter

...


----------



## GURPS

From Reddit r/trashy


----------



## Yooper

--- End of line (MCP)


----------



## Yooper

And for our Jewish friends:






--- End of line (MCP)


----------



## Kyle




----------



## jazz lady

@Gilligan  Ho-ho-ho!


----------



## Kyle




----------



## Kyle




----------



## Monello




----------



## GopherM




----------



## Miker/t




----------



## RoseRed




----------



## RoseRed




----------



## rio

RoseRed said:


> View attachment 161330


Now this looks like a new recipe worth trying!


----------



## GregV814

RoseRed said:


> View attachment 161287


every "Earl or Earlette" believes they are rightfully so in the manger.


----------



## Kyle




----------



## Kyle




----------



## RoseRed




----------



## Kyle

A Tree Rex?


----------



## RoseRed

Kyle said:


> A Tree Rex?


Ed Zachary!


----------



## Kyle




----------



## L'Town.girl

Kyle said:


> View attachment 161430


Peckermint?


----------



## jazz lady

Ho-ho-ho!


----------



## wharf rat




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Kyle




----------



## stgislander

wharf rat said:


> View attachment 161433


Greatest sports movie of all time.


----------



## Tech




----------



## GopherM

Holiday Eating Tips

Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's Later than you think. It's Christmas!
If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the centre of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?
Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this;
Have an amazing SAFE Holiday! MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR


----------



## Kyle




----------



## jazz lady




----------



## RoseRed

jazz lady said:


> View attachment 161449


Is this about my cat?


----------



## Kyle




----------



## Kyle




----------



## jazz lady




----------



## Kyle




----------



## jazz lady




----------



## DoWhat

jazz lady said:


> View attachment 161508


It would be great if the reindeer had an arrow sticking out of it.
Fly by shooting.


----------



## GopherM




----------



## Kyle

GopherM said:


> View attachment 161524


Now that’s Christmas spirit.


----------



## wharf rat




----------



## GopherM




----------



## GopherM




----------



## Merlin99

GopherM said:


> View attachment 161546


I kind of want that sweater for next years ugly sweater contest, think it comes in XXL.


----------



## Kyle




----------



## Miker/t




----------



## GopherM




----------



## Tech




----------



## GopherM




----------



## Kyle




----------

