# One Liners



## Bacall

Now I need help with great one liners, preferably by women.


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## Tonio

These are from the Book of Lists:

"My grandfather died and left me $10 billion on the condition that I find a wife by Friday. Can I buy you a drink?"

"Excuse me, do you know where they're holding the Sexual Olympics this year? I'm a finalist in the 9-hour freestyle multiple-orgasm event."


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## vraiblonde

> _Originally posted by frankie _
> *Now I need help with great one liners, preferably by women. *


 What do you want to communicate with your one-liners?  Pick up guys?  Brush them off?  Offend your mother?

More information is needed.


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## Bacall

> _Originally posted by vraiblonde _
> *What do you want to communicate with your one-liners?  Pick up guys?  Brush them off?  Offend your mother?
> 
> More information is needed. *



You're right.  I meant to come back and say this is for a group of teen age girls.  The one liners need to be empowering or funny.


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## nomoney

I've lost my puppy, can you help me look for him? I'm pretty sure he wandered into that motel room across the street.


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## justhangn

> _Originally posted by frankie _
> *You're right.  I meant to come back and say this is for a group of teen age girls.  The one liners need to be empowering or funny. *






> _Originally posted by vraiblonde _
> *What do you want to communicate with your one-liners?
> More information is needed. *




STILL


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## CMC122

> _Originally posted by frankie _
> *You're right.  I meant to come back and say this is for a group of teen age girls.  The one liners need to be empowering or funny. *


 So you want a one liner to get a group of teenage girls


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## nomoney

I'd marry your cat just to get in the family.


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## nomoney

I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade.


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## nomoney

I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk.


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## unixpirate

*I need a life. I mean one liners*

Have at it. 
 

http://www.tech-sol.net/humor/one-liner.htm


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## nomoney

Weren't you at the tractor pull last night? I remember your tits.


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## vraiblonde

> _Originally posted by nomoney _
> *I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk. *


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## Tonio

http://search.atomz.com/search/?sp-q=pickup&sp-a=sp07210302&sp-f=iso-8859-1&x=13&y=15


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## unixpirate

*Here's another one for ya*

"During a domestic row, a husband said: 'Now let's talk this matter over reasonably.' Wife: 'No! That way you always win.'"


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## nomoney

Don't worry about the missing teeth, it just means that there is more room


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## Kain99

*The best way to get even is to forget.


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## Kain99

*I Love This One!!*

The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground.


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## vraiblonde

A personal favorite from The Stepford Wives:

Walter: Only castrating, Manhattan career #####es wear black. Is that what you want to be? 

Joanna: Ever since I was a little girl.


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## unixpirate

*Don't worry about the missing teeth,*


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## HollowSoul

you know.....legs is the word, s lets go back to my place and spread the word


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## Kain99

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.


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## nomoney

So you wanna get laid huh???



well then crawl up a chickens a$$ and wait.


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## vraiblonde

You guys are really being no help.  Funny, but no help.


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## kwillia

I have it on good source Dustin hit the ball out of the park with...

"Nice legs, what time do they open?"


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## unixpirate

*You guys are really being no help. Funny, but no help.*


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## justhangn

Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

A procrastinator's work is never done.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

AIBOHPHOBIA - the fear of palindromes.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

I was the next door kid's imaginary friend.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

Even crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.


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## Kain99

> _Originally posted by vraiblonde _
> *You guys are really being no help.  Funny, but no help. *


I helped! (see above) 

Never raise your hands to your kids...it leaves your groin unprotected.


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## Tonio

> _Originally posted by Kain99 _
> *All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand. *



Is this too graphic?

"It doesn't matter if you turn me down, because I can use psychokinesis to stimulate you sexually."


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## Kain99

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master. -- Rev. Jesse Jackson


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## Kyle

> _Originally posted by nomoney _
> *I've lost my puppy, can you help me look for him? I'm pretty sure he wandered into that motel room across the street. *


 You forgot to mention the slurpy.


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## kwillia

> _Originally posted by Kyle _
> *You forgot to mention the slurpy. *


 Kyle, quick... post one of your un-inspirational posters.... nomo, is about to make me fro up after reading the other tread...


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## nomoney

> _Originally posted by kwillia _
> *Kyle, quick... post one of your un-inspirational posters.... nomo, is about to make me fro up after reading the other tread... *




Hey;I have a serious more mysterious side. 

but just so you can put away the barf bag:



Damn girl, you have more curves than a race track. 

I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list. 

I'm bigger and better than the Titanic ... only 200 woman went down on the Titanic 

If I flip a coin, what do you reckon my chances are of getting head?


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## designerxboi

> _Originally posted by nomoney _
> *Don't worry about the missing teeth, it just means that there is more room *


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## Tonio

"Would you help settle an argument between me and my buddy? He says that your breasts are fake, while I say they are real. I offered to ask you whether they were, but he says your word isn't good enough and that I have to feel them to make sure..."


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## Tonio

Just do this...


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## Tonio

"One night with you and I'll be singing, 'Thanks for the Mammaries!' "


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## Chasey_Lane

> _Originally posted by nomoney _
> *
> I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.
> 
> I'm bigger and better than the Titanic ... only 200 woman went down on the Titanic
> 
> If I flip a coin, what do you reckon my chances are of getting head? *


 Great!


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## FancyBelle

If I'm not in bed by 10:00 I go on home. What time is it?


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