by Ken King

Well, I’ve finally found time to sit down and put some thoughts into writing.  With Father’s Day right around the corner I must take a little space to thank my dad for all that he has done for me.  His values and character have helped shape me into the person I am today and I couldn’t have had a better example.  Though I have rarely let him now how I feel about him in words I dearly love him and couldn’t be where I am today without his guidance and support.  To the rest of us fathers all over the world I wish you the very best this Father’s Day and I can only hope that your relationship with your loved ones is as good as the one I share with my family.  I’m lucky to have a strong and supportive family, even if we are separated by hundreds of miles.

This past month has been very busy for the family and me.  We had one son graduate from St. Mary’s College, we had another graduate Army basic training, advanced individual training, and airborne school, and my youngest daughter has finally moved out and found a place of her own.  We also celebrated our grandson’s third birthday.  Combine this with a hectic work schedule and other important activities and I am surprised that I’ve had any time for Internet activities at all.  I did keep an eye on the discussion concerning divorce and support payments with extreme interest as I have had a similar experience in my life.

What I can offer to those that have had a rough time with their divorces is that time does heal some of the wounds if you allow it to.  The trauma of having a spouse and children ripped from one’s breast is one of the most painful events in my life and I believe it has been equally painful to most who experience it.  My divorce started as a war with her sneaking out with the children while I was away at work.  There was no note, nothing, just complete loneliness and empty closets when I came home.  At that point I didn’t wait to see what was going to happen, I found a lawyer.  This probably was the smartest thing I could have done as he made me very aware of what I was facing and what my fiscal responsibilities were.

My initial feelings were that the kids would be better off with their mother. The lawyer I hired had explained fully what my rights and associated obligations were.  Based on the current guidelines, at that time, half of my pre-taxed income was what they were entitled to.  This made it difficult on me, but by volunteering for all the overtime I could get and working part-time with a friend who runs a construction company I was able to survive.  This was my choice and I was willing to continue that forever or at least until the kids were 18, if necessary.

Summer time came around and I got the kids for my two-week visitation.  During this period we did something really great and unusual, we headed cross-country to Blaine, Washington.  This town is at the northwestern most corner of Washington State at the Canadian border 3,200 miles from here.  We saw a lot during that trip and it was an educational experience for both the kids and myself, but that’s a whole different story.  From my memory it was the best quality time I had spent with kids to date.  That was to change.

Within a short period of time I started receiving calls from the schools concerning the kids’ performance and I was being called in for an interview.  I explained to the staff that I was the non-custodial parent and they explained that they had been sending notices to the mother with no response.  I agreed to the meetings and started working more with the kids on the every other weekend that I had them or whenever I was able to be with them.  It worked and we got them back on the road to learning.  I started rethinking my belief that being with their mother was the right place for the kids.

A year and a half after the separation hearing we were finally having our day in court for the absolute divorce and now, due to other factors, I felt the kids belonged with me and I had plenty of data to support it.  During the 18 months my ex-wife had custody of the kids I saw their grades at school tumble from above average to barely passing.  My ex-wife was in the process of being evicted from her residence when the rent and utilities were less than half of what I was giving her each month.  My daughter had been living with me for the past four months because her mother had thrown her out (I was still paying the full child support payment).  With the impending eviction my son had moved in three weeks before the hearing. 

I told my lawyer that I wanted the kids and he advised me that it would be more costly with regard to his fee and that if I accepted all mutually obtained debt during our marriage I should be able to get what I wanted.  I got him his money because I was now fighting for my kids and money wasn’t going to hinder me.  I had reached a state of mind where I knew there was no other option but to have them with me.  I did this with their interests in mind and not my own, after all isn’t that what it’s all about.  That was the best decision I have made to date and some of the best-spent money, hands down.  By reading some of the posts in the string it seems few, if any, hold much satisfaction or respect for lawyers.  For me, my lawyer was a Godsend who helped me obtain custody and provide the best possible life for the children.

I guess I was lucky to have won custody, but it had to be more than luck.  After all the court agreed with what I had wanted and felt that, in the interest of the children, I would be the better candidate for raising them.  So I got the kids, the bills, and had to pay rehabilitative alimony (my ex-wife had never held a job) for three years.  Over the years her contact with the kids has diminished to a visit maybe once or twice a year, even though she only lives a couple of hours away.   Never has she paid any support or really exercised her visitation rights.  Now that they are grown I hope that they work on their relationship as both the kids and my ex-wife have missed a lot in each other’s lives.