Fire Away!

By Dee Jay Gordon

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Just when you think you're going to have a good day! I was on my way home from a very productive afternoon at work, singing a little Jimmy Buffett tune, gorgeous day, top down on the Jeep...when I happened to read the Letters to the Editor section of the Enterprise.

A gentleman who is incarcerated at the St. Mary's County Detention Center had his nose out of joint because a personnel shortage prevented him from visiting with his mother. The outrage! Can you imagine? Violating his human rights like that! Cruel and unusual punishment, indeed! Being a letter-writing kind of gal myself, I feel compelled to respond to that poor young man:

Dear Crybaby,

Welcome to reality. While you were committing whatever crime that caused you to be locked up in the first place, did it occur to you that you would be so inconvenienced? What was it, pal? Drugs? Forgery? Did you steal something? Surprise! Those things are against the law! And guess what! In an ideal situation, when you break the law, you go to jail. Not a very nice place, is it? Think about that the next time you feel like committing a crime.

Why the personnel shortage? I couldn't tell you. Maybe someone was sick. See, working people sometimes get colds or flu, or suffer from job stress. But you wouldn't know about that, now would you? And why couldn't that supervisor get someone to cover the shift? Can't tell you that, either. But I do know that if I were a corrections officer, and the brass tried to call me in on a Sunday afternoon because some alleged criminal wanted to see his mother, I'm certain that I would screen that call. Thank you, dear Lord, for caller ID.

As far as your human rights go, you relinquished those when you chose to participate in felonious enterprise. You do understand that, don't you? Your letter was fairly well-written, so you must have some form of education. One thing I feel I must point out, though: "6 a.m. in the morning" is a redundancy. You should have just said "6 a.m." or "six in the morning." But that being neither here nor there, I'm sure that when you were a child someone must have explained to you the difference between right and wrong. Do right, you're okay. Do wrong, you get punished. Simple, huh?

So people treat you like a second-class citizen, eh? It's a sorry thing when incarcerated criminals don't get the respect they deserve, isn't it? And you want to know a funny thing? While you were partaking in illegal activity to get what you wanted, I was working! See, that's how first-class citizens get what they want. And what's even funnier? The government takes roughly a third of my salary for taxes and guess where part of it goes! To support people like you! I hope you're enjoying your stay at the Hotel St. Mary's. I hope those three square meals a day go down real smooth. I probably paid for your breakfast.

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