Fire Away!

By Dee Jay Gordon

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Boo hoo hoo hoo. Sob and sniffle, even. I'm crying big huge tears these days over the plight of the hapless Clintons. It seems poor Bill (you know, the Big Mac Jogger) is the victim of an unwanted sexual harassment suit. The nerve of that harlot! Wasting our President's precious time like that! He could be solving the problems of the world if only these pesky individuals would go away. I'll bet if he didn't have to face up to his escapades, he could have achieved world peace by now. But no! These silly folks keep coming out of the woodwork, accusing him of all kinds of misdeeds.

And Hillary! Jeez, you'd think a little money laundering was a capital offense or something. Imagine, these ruffians wanting her to TESTIFY on Whitewater! No wonder she couldn't put a decent health care package together...she was being harassed, yes, HARASSED, by these busybodies with too much time on their hands.

Now, to top it all off, the Clinton's are broke from paying legal fees. I guess trying to get the public to contribute just didn't do it. Lawyers are expensive these days, and no one knows that better than Hillary. I wonder how much she'd charge Bill?

Time for a reality check, kids. In America, when we allegedly break the law, we're expected to appear in court and explain why we didn't do it. Honest! That's the way it works, ask any law enforcement official. Does it matter that you're the President of the United States? If he had killed someone, would he still be protected by executive privilege? Where is the line drawn between a not-so-bad crime and a real crime? And, make no mistake, sexual harassment is a real crime. Ask your boss.

And shouldn't Hillary have to testify about her involvement in Whitewater? If she had nothing to hide, why couldn't she produce the billing records that were subpoenaed two years ago, when, oopsie, they were right there next to her bedroom all the time? Whatever magic the Clintons used to make that box of missing records appear, why can't that same magic be called upon to balance the budget and fulfill all Bill's other campaign promises? Is this America or an episode of Bewitched? Too bad it's not the latter, because Big Bill could sure use Samantha right about now.

Let's think about this for a minute. In the time that Clinton announced his candidacy to the present, he's had to contend with Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, draft-dodging, pot smoking, advocating public schooling while sending his daughter to a private school, appointing inappropriate people to high positions, the failure of health care reform, Whitewater investigations, the suicide of Vince Foster, gays in the military, frequent opinion reversals, increasing budget deficits, and Hillary's repeated hair-do adjustments. But, hey, he's a golfer, so how bad can he be?

The funny thing is, Clinton will probably be reelected, despite his character deficiencies. The other contenders are a weak lot, indeed. I think my vote will go to Bob Dole. He's conservative and he believes in traditional values. Plus that, I met his wife once and she said that she frequently eats a whole pint of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey right out of the carton. Just digs her spoon in and has at it. I like that in a woman. Why isn't she running for President?

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