by Curt Degenhart
What's a reliable way to know if someone's right for
you? There isn't one. How do you know for sure if you're
ready to settle down? Who knows? Believe me, I've been
trying to figure out these issues for myself for some time
now, and it is difficult. Who hasn't had a nagging feeling
like, "Is this the one for me?" Maybe you've got
a great relationship going until you finally get down to
the decision to move in together. Then you get weak-kneed,
anxious, and stressed. Or what about marriage: "Oh my
god! Marriage! Is that where we're headed?"
Here's a question from a MatchScene reader that really
addresses the sticky situation of trying to decide whether
a lover is the right one:
Mensch_Wench writes: "I'm supposed to be engaged.
I'm living with the guy and we'll get married. We're both
50 so I guess it's just routine, but, as I keep telling
him, I don't marry every guy I date, so this is a big deal
for me. I can't tell if I'm suffering from settling-down
fever and I'm not used to it or if he really isn't it. I
want something to happen soon. When I ask, he says,
"Of course..." It's obvious to him that we're
it, together, forever, etc. So why am I still reading
Match.Com and why am I writing this note?"
Move up the Commitment Ladder
OK, Mensch_Wench, here's the deal. It isn't clear to
you that you and your fiancé are "it, together,
forever." That doesn't mean that he's not the one for
you. It just means that it isn't obvious to you. Let me
just say here that this uncertainty in the face of
increasing levels of commitment is common. In fact, your
future husband might at this very moment be wondering,
"Is she the one for me? What horrible feelings! I
can't let her know my doubt!"
For many of us, each step up the commitment ladder is
tough--whether it is marriage, deciding to move in
together, or even deciding to date just one person. As you
point out, you don't marry every guy you date and that
this is a "big deal" for you. And it should be.
Even at age 50, marriage is never "just
routine."
Sometimes the Most Wonderful Things Aren't Initially
Clear to Us
So how do you decide which it really is: "settling
down fever" or wondering whether "he really
isn't it?" Let's look first at 'settling down fever.'
If you have some last minute jitters, that doesn't mean
that you shouldn't get married. You need to examine what
that "fever" is all about. You may already be in
a great relationship, but for some reason you can't quite
feel its benefits. Sometimes the most wonderful things
aren't at first clear to us. We live through rough patches
with lovers, jobs, and friendships that have ended, but
only later discover just how positive their effects have
been on our lives. Maybe as you make the move to get
married, you see only the bad, little of the good. You
might think that commitment means a loss of 'freedom' or
'passion' or 'spontaneity' or of love itself. So you might
have a good thing with your fiancé that your
"settling down fever" obscures.
On the other hand, maybe "he really isn't
it." What would it be like if he really weren't the
one? Of course, only you can know this, but here are some
starter thoughts. Would you feel sad? Angry? Hateful? Or
could you feel that way even if you were madly in love?
(My bet is that we can all feel such strong negative
emotions about our partners.) Are you worried that the
love will dry up? Why did you get engaged in the first
place? Maybe you believe you have 'too many' issues to
work out between you? There's no fun there? No passion?
You might be downright wrong for each other. Are you
dragging out a process that you should have ended long ago
just because you're scared to end it?
The Consequences of Upping the Ante on Love
How is it possible to know beforehand what sort of
relationship you've got? It doesn't really matter until
you realize that when you up the ante in love, you up both
the positive and negative consequences. Any change in you
and your partner's level of commitment can lead you to
feel more of the greatest love and warmth you've ever
experienced in your life. And subsequently you increase
the chance that you'll endure the most profound rejection
and pain you've ever imagined.
Here are just a few of the emotions you might feel when
you go from dating many to dating one; from seeing each
other five nights a week to living together; from being a
couple to getting engaged; and from engagement to marriage
and beyond:
Joy. Panic. Contentment. Sadness. Glee! Boredom.
Relief. Indifference. Anger! Satisfaction. Terror. Peace.
Anxiety. Dread. Fulfillment. Repression...you get the
idea.
Talk to Your Partner
Notice that these feelings can't all be just wrapped up
in a tidy little package. They're messy, complicated.
Worse, you experience them all at the same time. Here's my
advice: If you're fairly secure in your relationship,
perhaps you could sit down and talk with your partner in
the same honest way you've written me. Mensch_Wench,
you're making a great leap--acknowledge it. Then, if you
can trust your partner with some heavy stuff, let him know
that you might be suffering from "settling down
fever"
Honesty is important in any long term relationship, so
why not let your future spouse know that you've wondered
whether "he really isn't it." Who knows, maybe
he'll tell you that he, too, was worried just like you
are, but that he got over it. Maybe he'll even tell you
how he resolved his concerns and you'll feel greatly
relieved--like it was just "settling down fever"
all along. Or maybe you'll find out that he doesn't really
want to be married, but couldn't bring himself to tell
you.
Either way, as you up the ante on your relationship, it
is time to talk. Maybe what you find out can help you get
clear on the next step to take, whether it's up another
level, or down the back stairs and out the door.